Lady Porn? WTF?

Here's the jump point, Katie Baker wrote an article for Jezebel about Porn for women go look...

I don't always agree with the writers of Jezebel articles but for once I do. Lady porn isn't a real thing. I enjoy porn now and then. Hentai comics are my favorite but I also enjoy victorian erotica, and believe it or not Sacher-Masoc's Venus in Furs, Ann Rice's Beauty series, the Man with a Maid Omnibus, lesbian erotica (for example Tipping the Velvet). Would I live out those stories in real life? Not really but that isn't what porn is about. Erotica and it's harder core cousin are about fantasy and to assume women don't have them would be silly. We are sexual creatures and have always been. Repressed sometimes, deviant sometimes, but most women who are having normal regular sex fantasize. It didn't start with the appalling and amateur 50 shades either. For mainstream media (as in the article) to assume that women have suddenly discovered porn is a gross underestimation of the gender.

Here is something else that bothered me, in the comments someone referred to it as mommy porn. The very typing of such a moniker makes me feel a bit queasy. There is no such thing. Mommy is not what I want to think about when I'm preparing for one on one time with my "support group."

I often think about the movie Exit to Eden. One of the main female characters is asked what fantasy can be fulfilled for her. She said "Paint my house". There is a cute little book with a tongue in cheek jest along these lines called Porn for Women. You can buy it on Amazon. In fact they have a whole series and it is a fun sort of bridal gift or something to pass around the office. Cute guys cleaning, I'm in! But I would also be the type to wet my underpants watching my Mad Science build something, or do yard work. Is this what I think about when having personal time? Nope. I am thinking about tentacles, and no I didn't misspell it.

The Downside of Polylife

This morning on The Blog, Sierra Black has written about five things about open relationships that are bad. First, I would like to make the distinction between open and polyamorous. Open is sort of a gradient spectrum of definitions. Poly usually means committed long term to more than one person where open doesn't aways. Secondly, the things she points out are truly part of life period.

1. Needing a Teleporter - I feel like this is true for the anyone trying to juggle work, soccer practice, ballet, the cleaners, the post office, and still get dinner and housework done. Sure it's taxing but it's part of the way a person chooses to live their life. I have family I would like to spend more time with, I have hobbies, I have stuff to do and people to see, but I wouldn't trade the benefits of taking care of each of those activities and people. Do I ever wish I could be in two places at once? Absolutely, especially since Prof is three hours away. I couldn't be there for him last time he was sick because of my stupid car. But was he taken care of? Yep, the Engineer stepped in to look after him for a little bit. It's important to remember I don't have to meet all of the needs for every person in my life. I don't expect them to do so for me. Why should I put myself under so much pressure? Having more people sometimes means that more gets done so we all have more time together.

2. Spillover -  This isn't exclusive to poly either.  If I had a fight with Mad Sci and then went to work all pissed off it would affect my performance. Like being bitched at by a stranger for no reason would make me livid and my spouse would have to help me cope with that. Not just a poly people problem.

3. Surprise! Big Feelings - In a mono relationship there are as many pitfalls here as in poly. I used to have a best friend who jealously accused me of "selling out" when I spent more time with my husband than her. We weren't even in a friends with benefits type relationship. Jealousy happens but it's even worse when you expect one person to meet all your needs. People get angry, feel depressed, or get jealous it's part of life and not exclusive to those you sleep with.

4. Scheduling - I feel like scheduling is like #1. We all want to be with the people we love. However, time is somewhat limited. We are pretty lose about scheduling here. I take my moments where I find them.

5. Loss - Loss is something everyone experiences. Everyone. I don't think it's more prevalent but more variables means more likelihood.  I have experienced loss and it was no less devastating outside my poly life than inside. Loss is loss and it takes time to deal with it. Whether it is a lover or family or a friend it still requires the same process to deal with and move through. 

Bonus Point: Social Stigma - Being poly means being on the fringes of the relationship landscape. So does being LGBT, people do it to be true to themselves not to have the approval of others. That said, it would be nice if mainstream media was more open to the vast amount of variability possible in societal function. This is changing. Being poly, people always want to know about how it negatively impacts me. They only want whatever drama there is to be had by it. They make jokes about it because it's inconceivable that they themselves (ergo anyone else) could be happy this way. All of life operates with the possibility that variety will show itself in infinite combinations human beings are no different.

I'm not arguing that these aren't the bad side of poly, just that they are not exclusive to poly. They are a part of life period. It just seems like more trouble, it can be sometimes, but the committed love I feel is much greater. 

Rape, Power, Castration, Abortion, and Control

Scalzi, who's blog I enjoy, posted this fan letter to certain conservative politicians a while back, but I wanted to write about it and a couple of other things going on in my world. I know, I know. I haven't much talked about poly but it's mostly because things are quiet, sort of a hazard of the lifestyle. Conscious engagement and self responsibility sort of smooth out the drama thing a bit.

So back to Scalzi. Read it and come back. I won't rehash this excellent piece of satire. I will however launch into some other stuff I have read recently since I have had this injustice on my mind. How are men not to know what rape is and isn't in a society were the loudest voices are telling them it's ok?

Currently, much of the loud talk about rape is still making it our fault. Legitimate rape is a joke. It's the kind of thing that really says it's ok to "put women back in their place" as though our very presence is enough to set some men off. Why do some men feel compelled to commit this intimate act of violence and others do not? Is it chemical? Ideological? Environmental? Is there a rape gene? Why is there no science? Because it's just not as important to fund as war.

You would think, in a society that claims to value the lives of the unborn so much, that they would think further and protect those that are here already. Some would say and have said that the minute I get pregnant it's my duty to protect that child and die if necessary. Even if that child has to live in poverty because my wages aren't enough to cover basic needs? What about not being emotionally and mentally fit? After being raped I don't believe I had the capacity to live a healthy life and be responsible for another life?
Then there is custody, apparently in 31 states deny protection for women by allowing rapists visitation and custody. What? Anyone who would apply to useful social discourse would see that if you are against abortion offer viable alternatives to preventing unwanted pregnancy. Better reproductive services, education, and control. Beef up laws and make rape really a crime. According to the RAINN website 3 out of 100 reported rapists make it to jail. On a first offense that is 5 years max but more often that group gets out on good behavior in just 2 years. Statistically, except for serial rapists the repeat of offense decreases to 0. Now, here is the thing. We are talking about 100 reported rapes. This is a crime, in which, as much as 54% go unreported. I would think that if someone had raped before and been caught he would take every effort to protect himself from being caught again. Maybe jail rape becomes a deterrent...I doubt it. Kick the dog is the more likely outlet for such shame and rage as one would find in the violated male.

When football players are allowed to get away with it, as in Steubenville, they grow up to believe that anything they want will be covered because they are heroes. Really? And yet it happens in pro ball. How is this a good message? Don't get me started on fashion and other media that makes this ok.

Feminists are still pissed off because we are STILL being treated like second class citizens but expected to bear the brunt of blame and shame for abuses committed against us and the responsibility for making men behave. Don't believe we are held responsible for a man's behavior? How about what the Koran tells women? Tell me that I must wear a burqa and I will point to the rate of rape and domestic violence in those countries which currently employ them. How about female genital mutilation? It is not a religious edict but a social one meant to keep the property fresh and pure and to reduce the rate of arousal in women. It's happening all over the world even here. If that isn't our bodies taking punishment so men will behave I don't know what is. Rape is the socially accepted tool to drive women back into their homes, silent, frightened and under the control of men. Men who would use our bodies for their playthings, without regard to our feelings, or needs with only an invisible god to turn to for our suffering. And by the way god hates us too. Read your bible sometime.

Purity Worship

I've often wondered what wanting a virgin is all about. I was talking to my friends who are all old and wise enough to be past this but we were discussing our society's obsession with purity. I have heard it said by a number of Christian women it's about respect for self, like modesty, resourcefulness, and humility. But really it's about the two camp dichotomy of Madonna (as in Jesus' mom) and Whore.

Do men still want to marry that sweet young thing who has never been touched by another man? If so the viable options are always really young and getting younger. You almost have to be twelve these days to get any attention. Is this Lolita thing about conquest? Ownership? Training one like you like her to behave? or is it something even more sinister?

Think of the old trope for a second: a man should have experience but a woman shouldn't. Where does a man get his experience? From a woman supposedly. Who would that be but the very women vilified by society for being sexually active or <gasp> getting paid for sex. Let's look at what kind of experience that is from the generalized point of view. If from a prostitute this experience is often solely directed at the pleasure of a man. The only experience he is getting is his gratification. Now, if society is to be believed the other partners, sluts, are those who have low self esteem or are sexually abused so they clearly aren't in it for sexual gratification but to feel good about being desirable. Just for the sake of argument now don't freak out. We know girls who engage in sex are not always sexually abused or lack self worth. So often that sex is awkward, forced, coerced, or drunken at the very least, if the people they are banging are as presented by society.

So what kind of first go is it for the new bride really, again about him. And if she goes her entire life married to him and he is her only sexual experience how is she to know it is supposed to be this wonderful connection of two human souls? Who does it serve? Him. He never has to worry about his manhood being questioned. After all I was told as a young woman it was my duty to service my husband and my enjoyment in it had little to do with it.

Now lets move to cougar town. If I, as an older experienced woman was attracted to young men and engaged in popping his cherry I would be looked on as the worst kind of woman. I would be seen at least by society as the predator. No different really. Not saying that a woman doesn't have a right to sleep with whomever she likes as long as it is safe, sane, consensual and legal. But society would have you believe that there are desperate women who struggle against aging by conquering young men.

That may be true. I don't do that myself I couldn't speak beyond speculation. But if it is the case why is a young woman called a gold digger if she marries an older man and a young man who marries an older woman isn't?  Just challenge that in your mind for a minute.

Now, lets talk about a different place where purity worship is a problem. Fashion. I don't really have to say more but you know me. Why are there so many cartoon people that are more photoshop than real. Why are they all twelve and anorexic and why are people doing mean things to them while they try to look like they are enjoying it? More to the point how is this ok? It only serves to show women of any age and color that they must at least seem young and virginal and pale skinned to get any love. Not true. But the message is clear, you aren't ok if you aren't this (insert object of beauty). Some of our greatest icons for beauty were plus sized women. Marilyn was a size 14. Hell Queen Latifah was super fine before they started tampering with her look now she looks like every other icon. The other day I actually had a man comment to me that I was fat on purpose to reduce men's options. I was like "What?" it was of course ridiculous.  My being fat has nothing to do with you not wanting to sleep with me because I am fat. Ok mostly. But is isn't a malicious act on my part to rob men of one more opportunity, no should be sufficient. I just have to say here, I have no idea why, but men seem to feel completely comfortable saying the most horrid things to me. Not that I mind, as such, being a scientist I do like honesty in my test group. It does make me a little skewed though so forgive my recent obsession with gender, rape, sex and anything else that seems repetitive. Like anyone else I am just trying to find my place in this continuum of role, gender, and humanity. So, thoughts on purity? Where do you fall?

My take on creep shaming, friend zoning, and other rejections of men.

First dear readers, you may not be aware of what creep shaming, and friend zoning are so I will explain:

"Creep shaming" is shaming someone by describing him or his behaviour as "creepy", or in similar terms. This is usually because of doing something creepy, such as hitting on a woman persistently or disrespectfully and failing to take "no" for an answer.

Please note the gender bias in Rational Wiki's definition. This is because MRA has pretty much coined this term and intends it to be the equivalent of slut shaming.

Friend Zoning is the action of avoiding sexual relationship, marriage or other desirable long term arrangement with a man a woman finds herself close to but not attracted to sexually. This is, as perceived by some men, rejection.

First off, if the shoe fits wear it, meaning be responsible for your own behavior. If you are being creepy deal with it. Secondly, since when does anyone have automatic rights to acceptance by anyone else most especially where relationships are concerned. More to the point why, just because you want to have sex with me, should I just say yes because you want me to? What am I, a vending machine? 

I was a creepy girl in high school. I used to think that just because I had a vagina and men seemed to want a vagina it was ok for me to behave badly. I stalked a couple of guys, went on a date and had no idea how to behave because it just didn't happen. I didn't date. Did I like sex? It was ok but teenaged boys are not known for their skills. Was I slutty? I can count on one hand the number of partners I had during high school that included consent by me. But my behavior came from an entirely messed up place. I propose that creeps of the world are not limited to men and if more than one rejection happens with the creepy tag then you may need to rethink your behavior or your choices of desirable partners. I did and now I get respect as well as good relationships and sex.

Is it equal to slut shaming? Not at all. Here is why. Creep shaming is a false dilemma. It implies that you have a right to engage in and enjoy behaving in a disrespectful manner without consequence of rejection. I was rightly rejected by the object of my obsessions, I changed my behavior and am consequently, more appealing to a limited number of people, fortunately they are the people I also want to have sex with.

Sex is a natural thing, an expression of life. Women can and do enjoy it and we should have a right to pursue a healthy sexual life just as men do. But the difference between what constitutes healthy for a woman and healthy for a man are unequal. 

Next reason. Creep shaming also implies that every man has a RIGHT to sex with whomever he deems worthy. Also not really fair. A woman may be able to have more sexual partners than a man more easily mainly because guys aren't as picky as they could be. But a woman has to think about the long run. Can I have a relationship with this guy? Does he appeal to me? Do I have to be drunk to get away with sleeping with him? Is he safe? Could I see having kids with him? Like it or not these things are part of the deal. Men, you may not be picky but we have to be. When all our sexual decisions are looked askance. Every sexual encounter other than the married one are questioned by society, our peers, the media, our parents. Besides, what is wrong with having standards? Men are apparently allowed to get old, be fat, lazy, unkempt assholes and still expect to get sex. While women of size are treated like the last resort in beer town and the sexy women are vilified because they cause you to want to behave badly. Which is it boys? 

Now Friend Zoning. This is where two people apparently get along great and the guy wants more than friendship from the relationship. He brings it up and is Friend zoned. I have done this. It is not an intentional and malicious denial of your manliness. If your only reason for being friends with me is to get me into bed then you are barking up the wrong tree. In spite of popular belief women and men can be friends. I was and continue to be friends with Prof and Mad Science. I have a friend now who I don't find physically to be my type. Intellectually though he is a keeper. I love talking to him and engaging on any topic personal or otherwise. However, I believe that sleeping with him would change the dynamic in the relationship. Also it breaks a rule I have. Never sleep with your best friend's boyfriend without her express consent. 

Do nice guys finish last? I don't know I have a number of nice guys in my life who behave respectably both to me and everyone they know. Not all women want big stud-ly dudes that act like jerks. So the whole bad boy thing is a limited play deal. If the girl you want to bed isn't interested move on and stop bitching.

US vs THEM

Ok I am sick and tired of all this fighting, polarization, and stupid arguing about who is right. You know what I mean. Politics, religion, guns or no guns, who has a right to the use of a woman's body. I know duality is the paradigm but I am sick to my eyeballs.

Men are people with feelings, ideas, and needs. They have their own challenges and difficulties. While the old paradigm of male/female dynamics has been heavily weighted toward men it was not without a huge price.

Women are also people with feelings, ideas, and needs. They have their own challenges and difficulties. While the old way seems to have protected and taken care of women in many ways it has also come at an intolerable price.

I am not a "male apologist" I just know a lot of good men. Not all men are rapists. Period. A disproportionate number may seem to be but remember that rapists are prolific and they don't put good guys on the news.

Married stay at home wives and mothers are not prostitutes. Feminists, I know you won't agree. I know you think if I don't make every effort to support myself, and prove I can do it all, I am the wrong kind of woman. Now guys, I know about gold diggers but they are usually selfish immature women who have an entitlement complex there are men like that. Not all women who want to stay home and bake cookies are gold diggers. We are also not your mothers. It's not our job to manage your life and give you everything you want... including sex. We don't owe it to you, no is still no, even if you think you "bought the cow".

Not all liberals are wrong, stupid, or socialist. Not all Republicans are religious fanatic thieves.
Hyperbole and generalization are the job of sensationalist 24/7 media and do not reflect real life in all it's wonderful diversity. Before you say it think about how angry it would make you if someone said it of you. Be Kind and Be Human. Thank you.

The stay at home wife

The stay at home wife. I am such a creature. It isn't because I believe my place is at home taking care of my man who makes three times what I would make in the working world. It isn't because I have children. It isn't because I don't have any marketable skills. Its because I periodically feel the desire to do this and we could afford to. 

I enjoy a clean organized life. I enjoy cooking but mostly I enjoy having time to write, paint, and play video games. It's good for my mental health. We negotiated this. Certainly, Mad Science gets the benefit. I am not irritable and exhausted at the end of most days. I frequently cook, pack lunches, make breakfast. We have clean laundry and more regular sex. The point is, this was an active choice. The point is He doesn't expect it or demand it of me. I was worried when we first talked about this. I questioned my value. Am I as valuable staying at home and doing what I do than I would be if I brought in money? That question leads to another. Valuable to whom exactly?  

This was a big issue for me. Do I derive enough value of self based on my own feelings and ideas about who I am for that to be enough to cause me to feel contented? Or do I need to be seen as valuable to others for that to happen? I wish I could say my own sense of self was strong enough not to need the opinions and approval of others. No man is an island, as the saying goes, so perhaps we aren't meant to be confident based solely on our own ideas of whether we are acceptable or not. I do know that I feel better as a person this way. I believe my contribution matters and my skills make a good fit for what our FOC needs. I feel happier and more fulfilled. I also feel more useful and less stressed out. 

When asked, Mad Science says I am more valuable. The cost of my working would be more in stress, wear and tear on the vehicle, clothing allowance, and mental health costs which may not be offset by what income I would bring in at this point in my life. He also likes to be taken care of and this certainly factors. So the pay off is a good one for us all. 

My nephew is currently in a situation where he doesn't have a job but his girlfriend does. His mom has been pressuring him to find work and purpose in life. I asked the young people about it on a recent visit and they were alright with the situation as long as they could afford for it to be that way. His mom thinks he should be working and providing for himself because he is a man. Is his desire to stay at home really any different than my staying home? Traditionalists, would argue that since a man is more suited to labor and more likely to make a living wage, that he should be the one making the money for the family. See how the archaic paradigm binds both sexes to conformity? The thing is no one will work their whole lives, not even at the same place of employment. Illness, children, training, economy all factor in to the issue. He may at some point find it essential to his happiness beyond survival to work then again maybe not. But is it mooching because a man does it when for a woman it's "her place"? Just food for thought.