Romance and Finance

Hey everyone, I am back from a week of timeshare wifery and wanted to say hey. Thanks to one of my readers who pointed out the font was hard to read.  The week away was pretty normal (not near so much bubble time which is good and bad I suppose.) I am now officially addicted to Skyrim. Which brings me to today's topic:  Romance and Finance.

In this economy how can one afford to be poly? I mean if you're dating obviously someone is paying for that and in our case it's no different. We are feeling out our options. This last week I discovered that if I pay for gas, contribute to groceries, and pay for going out a couple of times or entertainment I usually run about 200 bux. Fortunately,  Prof is in driving distance. This is lots cheaper than renting a room for the weekend but still sort of more than our winter budget allows for. So we are looking at ways to prioritize and budget for time together without Mad Science having to pay for my timeshare wifery once a month. This is tricky, if I go back to work I will have to have something flexible that pays enough to support my habits.

For now we have agreed to not do one week a month until finances get more liquid for Prof and I. This was an issue that sort of snuck up on me and until we tried a week of wifery I had no idea how it would play. In the interest of fairness if Prof drives I pay and vice/versa but is it right to ask Mad Science to give me "go away" money?

I don't know what the solution to this will look like just yet but I will keep you posted.

comments

Hey, my stats say people are reading my blog. I would love to know what you think, engage me, question me, criticize me, just be kind.

Monogamy: how it is more than you think.

I recently read an article on monogamy. Here http://www.successfulnonmonogamy.com/the-four-monogamies/

So based on this info how do I see these four types of monogamy and how do they affect my poly life?

Sexual Monogamy: This is the main thing people may think of. You've heard me talk about marriage being a purchase of exclusive body rights this is really sort of implied in the commitment. However, there are a lot of poly people I know that have no penis rules meaning a wife can be with other women but not other men. I also know people who have fluid monogamy where sex is fine as long as there is no exchange of fluids, in some cases, this can even go down to no kissing and no oral sex without a dental dam.

We have a papers only fluid rule. When someone calls for testing like when a new person is brought in we all test out. We have found that everyone is pretty honest and takes the time to respect the other folks in the family by doing a little advance notice. For example, I know that Mad Science is going to get laid Beltane weekend. I mean who can resist Pan right? But in that case he packs prophylactics.

The author also puts out the idea that sex itself be defined as well. Is oral or manual sex still considered sex? What about communal masturbation? Or Anal sex? Phone sex? All ways to give and receive pleasure. We feel that all are sex. So that works out for us. I had a lover whose wife would allow him to please other people as long as he kept his pants on. So everyone has their rules. Knowing those is helpful when contemplating having sex with the attached.

Emotional Monogamy: "It's ok as long as I'm the only one you love."  I could assume that this is Love like I'm married to you and I'm the only person you can feel married to. Honestly, as our author points out there are so many different ways to be emotionally attached to someone else there has to be a clear definition. For us I love my guys equally but in different ways and for different reasons. I have more history with one than the other but I can't say I would definitely choose one over the other. I would have to be in that situation and examine the pros and cons at that time.

Social Monogamy: "Even if we aren't monogamous in other ways, I want people to think we are." To me this doesn't matter so much. I mean I guess if I met with his family I would be socially monogamous in that case. Perhaps in my neighborhood or if I had PTA. For me social monogamy is like showing a unified front for people who don't matter and have no business in our private lives. So it makes sense. I had a monogamous friend who allowed her husband to have sex on business trips out of town but they had what she called a "don't shit in your bed" rule. When he was home, he was to behave as though monogamous.

Activity Monogamy: The secret handshake for the relationship. For example a special vacation spot or restaurant, song, or ritual. Mad Science and I like to camp, Prof doesn't care to camp. Cricket and I loved to go to Hot Springs together it was our thing. My baby sister and I have little inside jokes that other people don't get. It's part of the thing that makes it great to have many loves in my life whether I'm sleeping with them or not.

Judged: What do I say when it happens?

I have been witness to some pretty awful statements about my person. Everything from,
"You know you are going to hell, right?" to "Social rules are in place to weed out deviant freaks like you. You should probably just kill yourself and make it easier on the rest of us." Frequently, what I meet isn't that vicious or hateful and I can't say I am always gracious or kind in return.

For me useful response is much easier when I think of judgmental people in the following ways:

• Human beings are notorious for being resistant to anything that falls outside their understanding and comfort zone.
• Often people speak out of ignorance of the topic at hand. Either they assume my husband is somehow "pimping me out" or that I am somehow a sex addict and that is all poly could possibly be about. 
• People often speak out of their own feelings, emotions, and experiences about how things should be or how they would themselves behave.
• Opinions are only frozen ideas not the identity of the whole person, a person who doesn't realize they can thaw those ideas and change them is then crippled by those limits.
• Opinion is not law. If I take an opinion to heart as a deep rejection there are a couple of reasons why. Either I am uncomfortable with the "rightness" of my choices and feel this person may be correct or that I am under threat of some sort of later violence from this person. I take their ideas about my life and compare them to what my experience says is true. I am very aware that not every behavior is useful in the long term. If I limit love by saying poly is the only way I can live I am just as guilty as those who say that marriage is only one man and one woman at one time. Love has no limits but my expression of love may change based on what is useful at a time.
• Not all people who criticize polyamory are ignorant, wrong, or frightened. They may have tried it and failed for some reason and are concerned about my happiness.
• Everyone is broken, we are all just a bunch of bozo's on the bus who are doing the best we can in the confines of our experience and understanding. No one has the market on what is best for themselves much less anyone else.
• Everyone has a right to their opinion, I can thank them for sharing and take that information and let it eat me or I can deal with it. What I do with it is not their business. I don't get poly points for winning people over. It is not my job to change their minds.
• Also if I can't take the abuse I should not wave my flag. No one agrees with everything I do nor should I expect acceptance even from the most enlightened.

If we are to ever see a change in universal thinking in the direction of tolerance we must be mindful of how tolerant we ourselves are. Bashing bible thumping narrow minded bigots is as intolerant a position. It may be true, but how does telling them that become less violent or more useful to my case? Does it make me angry? Yes. Do I deal with it in my internal life? Yes. Does it give me any right to act out against another human being? No, not unless they are committing an action that takes away my right to choose.

Out or Not why should I care?

Ok, So recently it was coming out day. A lot of people in the LGBTQ community and polyamory community have a hard time with coming out especially to the people close to them. I wanted to talk a little about my experience. When I told my mom I was bisexual she looked me straight in the face and said: "You are not! You are just saying that to hurt me."  She did not speak to me for a while. It sort of hurt my feelings but at the same time those few months of silence were the first time in my life I felt I could breathe. When she died I felt the same way. I was sad but had felt so oppressed by her hold on me and my guilt every time I would say I was done with her that I stayed enmeshed in that relationship. I miss the good times with her but I am sorry that she never accepted me as a whole person. We never had a good relationship anyway, so it would have made no difference if I had not come out. I don't regret telling her.

Mad Science's family handled it rather well when we told them we were poly. We had come to the conclusion that though our sexual proclivities were, in fact, none of their business we felt that because we were living with them at the time and they saw our comings and goings and thought them odd. (i.e. I traveled with male partners without Mad Science and we had sleepovers in our part of the house etc.) That they should out of  respect be told. That is how we approached it. We still have a pretty good relationship with them and now that we are in our own house we don't share much of our lives except when it directly affects them.

Since I have worked for my FIL so long I am consequently out at work. Mad Science didn't see how it was their business at work so he is not.

Prof is out at work and among friends but lives so far from his parents that he didn't really worry about them finding out by accident and for many years said nothing about it. Recently, he told his mom but not the rest of his family. They have kept many small secrets over the years, none of them bad really, just they trusted each individual to speak for themselves and consequently felt his mother could be trusted. We agonized with him over this decision for what seemed many months. She asked many questions and found a place of contentment in it even if she didn't like or fully understand his choice. The rest of his family he did not trust to over react and so they haven't been told.

My kids, who are grown, know and are unaffected by it. As for my siblings they are also unaffected by it as far as I can tell. Prof has been to a family event and no one really asked any inconvenient questions.

I had a friend ask me Out or Not why should I care?

To some extent I agree with this. My sexual conduct is no one's business but it's more than just sex. It's a long term relationship with two people. Two people I love deeply. They are part of the happiness and joy and part of the sorrow and frustration of my life sometimes. Having someone outside the FOC that gets that is important to me. If I need to talk through an issue before I bring it up to the guys, I need to be certain I am seeing it clearly. So there must be someone not involved directly that I can confide in, who will call me on my bullshit when I am about to make waves for less useful reasons. Someone, I can show the commitment ring to or shop for birthday gifts with, who gets how important it is. When we lost the Cricket a few years ago there was no one but the FOC who knew how much I loved him. I wasn't the wife and therefore received no sympathetic looks or comfort for my loss. Moonfaced Girl was there but she had her kids and her own grief to look after. We took point and handled things for them pushing our own grief aside but when the dust had cleared I had no one to turn to while I was trying to cope with the loss. I miss him every day but as a secondary it was hard. So coming out is about being allowed to be all of what we are with the people we love most, who share our history, and our triumphs and sorrows. I can't pretend to be like everyone else when I am not, but that doesn't mean I don't need the same love, kindness and understanding that "normal" people need. So if you are faced with someone who wants to come out, even if you don't agree with their choice, love the person if you can and let them be who they are. They do that for you when you tell them that they are wrong, why can't you do it for them?

Natural Marriage?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=8cQCi4ehXkg

This propaganda pissed me off.

Let's set the facts straight shall we? 

Here are the stats: 1st divorce 41%-51%, 2nd divorce 60-67%, 3rd divorce 73-74%. Children of divorce are 4 times more likely to be divorced than those kids who grow up in non divorce families. Looks like serial monogamy is more of a threat.

Making pedophilia and incest synonymous to gay marriage is like saying a fish is a bicycle.

"Are homosexual adults in general sexually attracted to children and are preadolescent children at greater risk of molestation from homosexual adults than from heterosexual adults? There is no reason to believe so. The research to date all points to there being no significant relationship between a homosexual lifestyle and child molestation. There appears to be practically no reportage of sexual molestation of girls by lesbian adults, and the adult male who sexually molests young boys is not likely to be homosexual (Groth & Gary, 1982, p. 147)."

Dr. Carole Jenny reviewed 352 medical charts, representing all of the sexually abused children seen in the emergency room or child abuse clinic of a Denver children’s hospital during a one-year period (from July 1, 1991 to June 30, 1992). The molester was a gay or lesbian adult in only 2 of the 269 cases in which an adult molester could be identified, less than 1percent of the cases. (Jenny et al., 1994).  A 1994 study found that “a child’s risk of being molested by his or her relative’s heterosexual partner is 100 times greater than by someone who might be identified as a homosexual. (Carole Jenny et al., Are Children at Risk for Sexual Abuse by Homosexuals?; 94 Pediatrics 41; July 1994; study of 269 sexually abused children when an adult offender was identified.) A sexual abuser who molests a child of the same sex is usually not considered homosexual. Dr. Nathaniel McConaghy (1998) cautioned against confusing homosexuality with pedophilia. He noted, “The man who offends against prepubertal or immediately postpubertal boys is typically not sexually interested in older men or in women” (p. 259). “It is meaningless to speak of fixated molesters in these terms – as heterosexual or homosexuals - they are attracted to children, not to men or women. (Groth & Birnbaum, 1978). ** Note: The term “fixated molesters” refers to adults exclusively attracted to children. The experts agree that there is no link to homosexuality and child abuse. The American Psychological Association, the National Association of Social Workers, the American Academy of Child Psychiatrists and the Child Welfare League of America all have policy statements stating there is no correlation between homosexuality and child abuse. When asked about this question, the American Psychiatric Association wrote to the Senate stating: “While we are all concerned by the issue of sexual abuse, there is no credible evidence that lesbians and gay men are more likely to commit such offenses than others. Gay men and lesbians do not pose any particular threat to youth and should not be singled out or discriminated against in any manner. Groth and Birnbaum (1978) found that none of the 175 adult males in their sample – all of whom were convicted in Massachusetts of sexual assault against a child – had an exclusively homosexual adult sexual orientation. from http://wearemichigan.com/reference/childabuse.html with bibliography.

Natural Marriage Stabilizes and perpetuates society:

Creates Children: heterosexual intercourse is no longer the only way to create children less costly perhaps but not the only way.

Best raises children: "Overall results of research suggests that the development, adjustment, and well-being of children with lesbian and gay parents do not differ markedly from that of children with heterosexual parents." Meezan, William and Rauch, Jonathan. Gay Marriage, Same-sex Parenting, and America's Children. The Future of Children Vol. 15 No. 2 Marriage and Child Wellbeing (Autumn 2005) p. 102

Protects Women: 

1 in 6 currently married women report violence by their spouses.

1/2 of previously married women report violence by a partner.

3/4 of women who experience violence by a past partner endure repeated assaults, 41% on more than 10 occasions.

a woman is more likely to be killed by her spouse than by a stranger.

Almost one-third of female homicide victims that are reported in police records are killed by an intimate partner.

In 70-80% of intimate partner homicides, no matter which partner was killed, the man physically abused the woman before the murder.

Less than one-fifth of victims reporting an injury from intimate partner violence sought medical treatment following the injury.

Intimate partner violence results in more than 18.5 million mental health care visits each year. http://www.ncadv.org/files/DomesticViolenceFactSheet(National).pdf

Civilizes Men: First the definition of Civilize is to bring a place or people to a stage of social, cultural, or moral development considered to be more advanced. (More advanced than what?) If one in six married women report violence by their spouses how are men more civilized?

Secondly if, in fact, marriage is causal to less crime would it not make sense to say the same sex long term commitment might not also logically reduce crime as well?

Reduces Crime, poverty, and welfare- which reduces government spending and deficits.

While this is generally true it is not always the case. Many of the crimes committed by married men and or women are often unreported such as incest and battery. So it's not really fair to say that they commit fewer crimes, when 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 3 boys are sexually abused many by their own family. 

It benefits everyone. Even those who do not choose to marry.

All non-married people, including homosexuals, tend to pay more in taxes than married heterosexuals. Women in general make less money on the dollar as men and therefore single mother families are more likely to require welfare, housing assistance and daycare vouchers. 

Many hate crimes specifically against gays are committed by upstanding fundamentalist, married heterosexual males. So that blows the single people benefit from natural marriage even if they don't marry.

It's not as much bigotry as elitism. People under the idea that their way is the only way or best way are elitists and as such justify violence to anyone and any system that does not agree with their way of thinking. There are as many as 1400 marriage rights handed to heterosexual taxpayers in this country. Don't loving committed same sex relationships deserve the same rights? If they don't, these privileges granted to heterosexual marriage should be withdrawn. I would rather give up mine, than allow the inequity to continue?

Fighting vs P/S communication

I recently told someone that in 13+ years my partner and I have never had a fight. They seemed duly impressed but then asked me how that happens.

First, it helps to note that normally in an unhealthy relationship if there is no fighting it is because one person suppresses expression of their opinion out of fear, a sense of pointlessness (I'm not going to be heard anyway or It won't make any difference), or because they feel their opinion so frequently matches their partner's that there is no reason to "rock the boat".

Fighting is often an escalated response to some perceived or actual injustice in the relationship. It is often directly proportional to the amount of resentment one or both of the people have and not always what the fight is actually about. It's about baggage.

Changing the game on this is about unpacking your mental suitcase and not letting the load you have carried interfere with the loving, and kind dynamic you want to maintain. My feelings are not as important as the relationship and what it provides me in the long run. Does harboring such feelings support our goals in the relationship?

The negative feelings of resentment, anger and fear can be summed up this way... Resentment is not getting my way in the past,
Anger is not getting my way in the present,
and Fear is not getting my way in the future.

So how does one go about not fighting? P/S or problem/solution communication.

In a normal non-functional argument what is happening is toxic venting. It's as if you are actually saying, "I feel this way and you ought to know that you are responsible for those feelings." This is unrealistic. It also places the person on the defensive to find ways in which you are not meeting their needs as a defense, or justification for their action or inaction.

Here are our guidelines for a productive argument:

Know the problem: If I pop off some sarcastic remark about some little thing Mad Science or Prof has done that is a signpost that there is something I need to deal with.
Usually it is because I had an expectation that was unrealistic, and often unvoiced.

There are three things I know for a fact:
1.) I can not change another person's actions by any act, word, or inclination on my part.
2.) An unspoken need is an unmet need.
3.) No one can guess my needs and fulfill them 100% of the time.

So then the problem is what ever I expected from some action I committed to, the desire for my partner to be telepathic, or a sense of a short transaction.

Sometimes a fight is because I haven't dealt with this in another situation with a person outside our relationship, like the teller at the bank.

I am angry/fearful/hurt/sad etc., because _____.

Knowing my part: I find when I am experiencing a negative emotion there is a reason and usually it's me. This is a problem because? I expected too much? I failed to negotiate for something? Am I choosing to feel this way for some other reason and it is bleeding into my relationship? Do I just want to be angry?  Sometimes, I do. It's ok sometimes being angry gives me the energy to do something about a problem.  It's a lot easier to defuse the need to argue if I know that I had some part in the problem. Sometimes it stops right there with me. Once I look at and deal with the feeling it stops.

This is a problem to me because_________.

Allow the other person to take responsibility for their part: This one is tricky because it is the place disagreements become personal. Here is an example of how we do this.

The situation: I felt lonely and bored because Mad Science spent most of the weekend away from home and I didn't get any significant time with him.

My Part: I did approve the weekend away when he asked me if it was a problem. Then I chose to feel crappy. It could have stopped there but I had been withdrawn when interacting with him so I needed to talk about it with him.

I stated the problem: I feel upset because I don't feel connected to you. I think it is because I expected more quality time since we had so little quantity time together this weekend. I don't want to go away next weekend unless we have this resolved. I realize that I have not been available emotionally this last week and I am feeling sort of needy this weekend. (I am talking about my feelings, and taking responsibility for my part. Then I shut up. No accusations, no making him responsible for my feelings.)

Allowing him to take responsibility for his part:

He says: I don't really feel connected to you either, after work I have been really tired and this weekend I just needed to hang out with the guys.

Solution: He says: "How can we feel more connected this week before you go on your trip?"

I say: we could cuddle in bed and watch some tv, or we could play cards, go bowling, or engage in a discussion about what is on our minds (work, politics, our current projects etc.)

He says: what about cuddling and tv?

I say: Ok. The disagreement is over without raising a voice or calling names.

This works for everything, granted some things take longer to work out. But rather than let the recurring feeling of helplessness get out of hand we talk about it again and reaffirm the longterm solution.

For example: We have been living sort of slim for a long time now in order to be debt free. This is frustrating because there are a lot of things we like to do we can't afford. But rather than me accusing him of not paying enough on bills fast enough or of him accusing me of being lazy and not having a job. I look at my options. I could get a job. We could negotiate some mad money or a date night, we can have a creative challenge to see who can come up with a fun and free way to feel "richer", and this, coupled with a decided action helps soften the blow of a stretch of time without. It is also good to have some kind of tangible time table for such things or to think about what we will have money to do and what we can do with it later. In other words why waiting is worth it.

Making Amends and gratitude: This is the icing on the solution. If I had thrown a fit about being lonely (I admit it sometimes happens). We would need to make amends for anything we did that was hurtful or implied that the other person was responsible for how we reacted. But whether there was acting out or not it is always helpful to say: Thank you, I appreciate you taking time out to help me through this.


And remember not everything that bothers you, a left off toothpaste cap, or laundry on the floor is worth fighting about. Acceptance that a person is who they are is mostly enough to cover this. If it bothers me but not them I need to take the action, put the cap on the paste or pick up the clothes. If it doesn't bother them not to, why am I trying to change them so it does?

That's how we do it. I am sure there are other ways what's your story?

Long Distance Relationship

I have said in my intro post that Prof and I have been in a long distance relationship for nine years. Many folks say that LDR doesn't work. I say I can see that. Our relationship has lasted, I think, because the urgency was dialed back at the beginning and has slowly increased over time.

The first few years we were pretty casual. I would come in the spring and we would hang out for a week and then talk and email the rest of the time. This was to give him some space to date other people because I wasn't what he thought he was looking for. He wanted to marry and have a family and that wasn't what I wanted. I was already married and was unable and unwilling to have any more children. I did give him a lot of space. If he said he was dating someone I was totally hands off until he gave me the green light. I am incredibly patient when I want to be.

After that I would come twice a year for a long visit and if he was down to see his folks he would pop by and see us. Soon, it became pretty apparent that what we wanted was changing.

In 2008 I introduced him to my sisters at Thanksgiving. Well, I had told them beforehand what was going on and we did do the intro on the down low to keep it low drama in front of the other relatives. As far as most everyone knew we were friends.

For a couple of years things grew in intensity until my mentors asked the question I dreaded. Is this relationship harming your growth or your marriage? I needed to be sure of the answer so I asked myself the question and we stopped being intimate and did very little communication for about 6 months. Additionally, my timing sucked, I told him right before our anniversary trip, boy was that dumb. It wasn't the year I had promised but it was enough for me to know that I was miserable without him in my life. We got back together and it took a little while for things to get back to normal. I had broken trust by giving him an ultimatum on a non negotiated decision. I have learned my lesson and we talk about every decision that affects him and our relationship. Last year we talked about spending more time together still and made a solid commitment to see each other for four days every month.

This year, very recently, in fact, we negotiated 1 week a month on his turf. Our desire eventually is to live in the same town and then maybe the same house. For now this isn't possible because they boys love their jobs so much and we have debt that needs cleared. We are making progress.

I guess, I make it sound easy enough, but there is always the possibility that it will fall apart because someone "falls out of love" or finds someone who won't share or something. I never believed this would be a permanent thing, I would like it to be, but people are unpredictable and love is best worn lightly, else you will strangle the life out of it. Most people can't consciously live under that sort of tension I am surprised we do it sometimes.

The two things that help us most are, that we know it will change, and that we negotiate and communicate often to change with it. I know there will always be a desire for comfort and conformity tugging at him and this life polyamorous is not always comfortable things sort of change as we go. But I love him enough to stick it out and see where it will go. It if turns out just to have been the sex all this time, I can live with that. If we live together in harmony for many more years, I can live with that too. If nothing else, I have had a great time and will have a good friend out of the deal.  LDR doesn't work? Maybe but how permanent is any relationship really?

Attention Whore

Ok, someone finally said it to me. Someone outside my usual life has called me a selfish little slut, an attention whore. Sigh. This doesn't offend me so much as it puzzles me.

First off, let's look at my life. I stay at home and cook and clean and provide comfort, my choice. I do have friends outside my romantic triad but people are busy. When it comes to the guys, both men are inclined to "decompress" after a long day which means possibly hours of gaming/scifi. During which time I get no attention, if you have gamers you know what I mean. Now in what way does this scenario make me an attention whore? I actually spend more time alone than with either of the guys. My preference is time in peace and quiet, but when someone is here, I like to engage in a little conversation that goes beyond "Hi, how was your day?"

Secondly, what is wrong with wanting to be seen and heard? I have a friend who had threatened suicide. A relative of hers said she did it for attention and didn't really mean it.  I also have a friend who is a mom who is super busy and her three year old acts out. She's just doing it for attention. Since when did the desire to feel connection with another person become unreasonable?  I like a little intellectual stimulation. The girl who wanted to kill herself was in pain and needed a little check in with reality, namely that she was going to get through the pain and it would be ok. The three year old is a kid, kids need attention to feel loved to develop a strong sense of worthiness. What is wrong with that?
If we spent more time paying attention perhaps many of the wrongs done would stop.

Now let's talk about the selfish part. Seen as above I do get what I want. I don't have to work at the moment, I have plenty of peace and quiet for contemplation, and I am loved. Intellectual discourse isn't selfish, the exchange of ideas and feelings is mutually beneficial. It strengthens connection and satisfies a need both people have. We aren't even talking about sex here (of which I get plenty, also mutually beneficial I might add).


The slut part I totally agree with though. ;P Have a super Monday everyone and for pete's sake pay attention to someone today!

Relationships why have them?

In the last post on negotiation I mentioned that I might answer this question in another post, here it is.

So why would people have relationships?

1. Love and/or Friendship: The desire to cultivate commonality in a personal and lasting way with a person you enjoy spending time with.
2. To meet some need: The meeting of a financial, emotional, sexual, spiritual, or intellectual need. This need meeting is not always inclusive of reason one.
3. Self Awareness: relationships are mirrors in which we see ourselves. Sometimes we can only see ourselves clearly by dealing with others. Granted this is pretty much a spiritual need but it was important enough to mention separately.
4. Raising children: Many people believe that in order to properly parent there must be two people. 
5. To appear socially acceptable: As if it is a duty to grow up, get married, and have kids to be a valid member of the "grown up club". I have a single friend who complains about people always trying to marry her off to someone in an effort to "help her feel complete". 
6. Control/self esteem: Abusive or not this one is pretty much a one way street.
7. Survival: I have seen this in relationships where the woman or man has a financial need and will pretend to be in love with/have sex with/and put up with abuse for financial support. 
8. Comfort or convenience: A person will sometimes allow someone else to be responsible for their comfort in exchange for some other form of support. (i.e. regular sex, a sense of belonging, not having to do their own laundry, a sense of security or stability etc.)
9. No man is an island: I had a person site this as a reason. They meant more that you can't help but have relationships with people unless you are a hermit. While in some ways this may appear to be true, I know people who are acquainted with many people but do not have active, mutually participative relationships. Modern technology makes hermit life even more likely. How long has it been since you picked up the phone and called or had coffee with a friend on Facebook? Is it still a relationship if you don't actively communicate?

OK. Many of these reasons relate to meeting some need. It's true humans do need to feel that they belong, survival is more likely in a group, and comfort and convenience are factors that encourage self awareness. So I have said what I think. What do you think? What are your reasons for having relationships?

Negotiation

Today's FOC word: Wifery- the action of cooking, cleaning, support for another person. Though seemingly sexist in nature it is used to refer to any of the said jobs performed by women or men in our geometry.

Why bring this up? Well, because it was part of our recent family meeting. The work-set of Wifery helps Prof feel more like a primary partner. Since he is far away and lives alone he feels more loved if I drive up to bring him chicken soup when he is sick, or come clean his house like I did for his birthday. Sometimes I go for vacation and not wifery. Anyway the title of this one was negotiation so here are the things we keep in mind when negotiating.

1. Self knowledge and Honesty- if you don't know, how can you say, if you don't say how can it be considered, if it isn't considered how can it be answered. So before a negotiation I let the guys know what we are going to meet on and give them a little time to think about it. Honesty with kindness is our creed around here. We have nothing to hide least of all from each other.

2. Naming it- we don't have formal roundtable debate as you might think of formal negotiation. At least not anymore. Now we name the purpose of the discussion handle it first and them move on to other stuff. A clear purpose for a meeting of minds is essential.

3. No assumptions- if one of us senses an emotional response we ask about it. For example, Prof and I were talking about his metamour and he sensed I was upset. Rather than try to coddle me out of tears and fears he asked me what was going on. It turned out that I needed to talk through my feelings and deal with them. This time it was knee jerk reaction to some abandonment crap I have to deal with. We never assume anything.

4. Listening- If there was anything more important than this it's self knowledge and honesty. Knowing how to listen is a real skill few people have. Sit quietly, focus on the person who is talking, without judgement or interruption, be supportive, be kind, be grateful. You never know when something someone else says helps you. Really listening to the guys has taught me so much about what they need, how their minds work, how to talk to them when I do talk. It's helped in other relationships too.

5. Be Flexible- Mad Science is a logical thinker but not a clear communicator so we work on a thing until he is satisfied. If I don't understand or have an emotional response to something he says, I ask for clarification. Like being at the optometrist. Is it this, or this, and we narrow his meaning down until it is what he really means. Prof on the other hand is a wordsmith so he communicates fairly precisely, so I know that most of the time what he says is what I have heard. I still ask when I am against a filter.

6. Arguing is not negotiation- Our negotiations have been so successful that we rarely get angry. The only caveat is when we are emotionally charged by something else and someone is trying to have a logical discussion with emotional compromise. I am often the one who goes to anger and then only when compromised in some other way. It's my job to say, "Now isn't a good time, what you need is really important to me, but can we talk about this again in 30min, 1 hour, two days," whatever is appropriate. And it's the other person's job to bring it up again. In a lot of cases I find myself rational again before the stated time and will go to the person who asked. I like to deal with things in a tidy orderly fashion since so much of life isn't.

7. Tolerance- my way is not always the most useful or expedient. I must remember to keep my ego in check and be open to ideas I had not considered. Something that has worked in the past may not work now, in this situation. There is no place for auto-pilot or black and white thinking in a relationship.

8. Unity- In our relationship we want to maintain a sense of unified harmony in order to best meet the needs of all parties involved. Why else would we have a relationship? You may well ask, but I will have to answer that in another post. Since Unity is the goal and love is the law we are careful to be inclusive and non judgmental. Sort of like tolerance but a step further with unity. We could go out and someone ask us a question and we would all have answers that are not surprising to each other. We present a family unity that is true inside and outside the family. We consider the needs, feelings and ideas of each person involved, and we support those things when discussing our life with others.

9. Speak kindly- we all have times when we think someone else is being ridiculous or is harboring information that is contrary to the facts in those cases we take the person aside and discuss it rather than openly correcting them. And truth isn't a weapon, a truth said in a kind, respectful way out of love is much different than one spoken out of disrespect, and resentment. You will get a much different reaction.

10. Take responsibility for your feelings- feelings are not wrong but they aren't always true to what you believe. I am in a constant state of transition emotionally, sometimes I react out of habit, training, or because I think it's what you expect. It doesn't always relate to what I know.

For example: Mad Science goes out with a girl and they have sex and it eats into my time I feel jealous. Our arrangement is based on our shared belief that one person cannot meet all of another person's needs and that we only want to see the other person happy. So I look at why I feel jealous. Am I afraid she will "take him away from me" or "her needs are more important than mine"? Those are ideas based in fear and possession. I acknowledge I feel jealous, I also acknowledge what idea is behind that. I give myself permission to feel it and let it go. It doesn't serve the relationship for me to be jealous. I go to Mad Science and say: "Can we negotiate some more time together just you and me?" and we do.

 I also find it is helpful to be friends with or at least friendly toward the metamour. She becomes human to me. Knowing her motives and feelings helps ease my mind. I take responsibility for my feelings by recognizing them, acknowledging them, assessing their usefulness, and stating my needs when rational. It isn't up to the guys to make me feel differently, it is up to me. If I don't want to feel differently I don't have to, but the consequential unhappiness is unsupportive of our agreement. If my needs are not being met even after rational negotiations perhaps I need to look elsewhere or evaluate how important this is. Is it a need or simply a want.

Can't blog Painting.

Ok, so I can blog, but only for a minute. I have spackled and now am speckled and the room is almost done. As soon as the main paint is dry we start on the trim. Once that paint is all dry it's time to put in the bamboo floor. Can't wait to see how it all looks when finished. We've lived with a concrete floor for three years because of my allergies. I am looking forward to a nice floor again. As for paint, I had to make up my mind what color. I settled on pale daffodil from Baer paints. I found this awesome room that is just the way I want mine to look. We will see if I can pull it off.

Inspiration room

I'll keep you posted.