Relationship Exit Interviews

Has a relationship ever ended and you wondered why? What did you do that made for failure? Or did you ever really want to rationally sit down and discuss your own feelings without feeling like you had to be angry to do it? I googled and there were tons of entries for exit interviews in relationships. Rachel Greenwald, a dating coach, was a sensible place to start.

Interestingly enough, Mad Science and I had a mutual interview at the beginning of our formal relationship but that is a different blog post. So here are my exit interview questions, and just to make it interesting I will post what my answers would have been in my first big relationship.

1. What is your primary reason for leaving? Our methods are so different when it comes to communication, how needs are met, and the power dynamic it is no longer comfortable for me and after having done everything I knew to do then with no resolution in sight, felt it better for you and the kids, if I removed myself as part of the problem.

2. Did anything trigger your decision to leave? Your decision to remain in a closed relationship though neither one of us was really getting our needs met.

3. What was most satisfying about our relationship? The part before we were married. I think as a friend, you were generous and considerate but as a husband not as much.

4. What was least satisfying about our relationship? The fact that once married I had no right to make any rational input into how things were going to be done and often felt like my needs weren't important.

5. What would you change about your role in relationship? I would have liked to have had a more equal part in things. I would have liked to have been the sort of person you felt you could trust to talk to once we were married, and I wish I had gotten medical help earlier in the relationship.

6. Where your expectations understood when and if you communicated them? Did my response to your needs turn out to be as you expected? I did not feel my expectations were met or even really considered in this relationship. As for responding to my needs you did what you thought was most useful based on emotional behaviors but it had the feeling of being a measure to simply make me less inconvenient to you rather than actually meeting the need with any level of understanding. In short rather than asking me what I needed you assumed what that was and did it with varying results.

7. Did you receive enough communication to exercise your role effectively? Not really. I often felt like I had let you down and as you slowly took away "my role" I felt lost and ineffective in the relationship. I often wondered if it would have improved if I had gotten a job and let you stay home and take care of the kids and house.
 

8. Did you receive adequate support to explore your part in the relationship? No, it seemed there was only one way, in which, you were prepared to deal with me which left no room for experimentation or exploration. When we met you had an established household, your cleaning and cooking standards where different than mine, you had little sympathy for the trauma of my recent past and gave me little support to change.

9. Did you receive sufficient feedback about your performance sexually, mentally, and emotionally? No. Criticism, yes but honest feedback with ways I could improve, not really.

10. Did this experience help you to pinpoint your relationship goals? Absolutely. Upon realizing I had so much work to do on myself, I discovered I needed someone I wasn't afraid to talk to, someone who would be flexible and conscious of their behavior enough for us to grow together.

11. What would you improve to make our relationship better? Our listening and communication skills. A loss of preconceived notions about roles in relationship and a willingness to work together instead of against each other.

12. Did any of my personal hangups, or methods (or any other obstacles) make the relationship more difficult? I felt you were so hung up in your secret self loathing that you couldn't see anyone or any needs but your own. I offered many options in an effort to make it better but when everything is my fault and there is only your way to fix it, no headway can be made. I freely admit much guilt in the relationship but it's never just one person who contributes to the fall.

13. Would you consider a relationship again or in another capacity such as friendship, friends with benefits or casual sex  in the future? No. Being civil to me when I visit the kids would be nice but I don't really want a relationship with you.

14. How do you generally feel about this relationship? I felt that, as a transitional experience, it was good for me in a number of ways. It showed me that I had a lot of work to do regarding healing and self awareness. It helped me determine what I really wanted in a relationship, as well as what I really didn't want.

15. What does your new relationship offer that this one didn't? Space, empathy, feedback without it being criticism of my nature. Conscious choice of traditional roles arrived at through discussion and choice rather than unspoken rules about how I should act or behave. My current relationship is egalitarian and flexible even though we operate within some traditional division of labor roles.

Thinking about these answers has actually been somewhat therapeutic because this relationship had very little in the way of informed closure. Incidentally, this is similar to the relationship review process we have implemented bi yearly. These are all good questions to stay on top of for retention. I don't anticipate a break up any time soon but I think I would be open to hearing the answers to these questions and answering them for myself. I've also done this with other relationships and those answers led me to better self care, less codependency and clearer communication including listening with more detachment and empathy.

I approach disagreement more from the place of service to the relationship, rather than with blame and manipulation to get my way. Another interesting use of this exercise has been that if I journal my answers to each failed relationship (friendship, family, intimate or business) I can often see a pattern of behavior or expectation on my part that needs to change. Acceptance has been huge for me. Can I accept that no matter how understanding and honest I am there are people in the world who simply aren't there? And can I accept that I don't have to have relationships with those people? Just as I don't believe there is only one compatible person to have any kind of relationship with me I don't believe there is a need to be in relationship with just everyone. That doesn't give me license to be unpleasant or unkind to someone but it does mean that I don't have to get my feelings hurt when I behave as kindly as I can and am met with useless behavior from another person.

Time for a Male Revolution

Today's Jump Point is an article by Charlie Glickman about men's emotions and how we subvert their emotional expression through shame and coddling.

I am all for men being more than the boxed in, emotionally repressed, work-a-holic, steadfast soldier hyper sexual beings. Admittedly, women think of themselves as emotional gate keepers. How it can be expressed, when is the right time, what I will hear and interpret and what I won't.

The media doesn't help either. Men are often shown as incompetent bumbling fathers, old fat beer swilling football junkies. Sometimes it's the gun toting hero or the psychotic bad guy, the Alpha Male asshole or the weak beta who wails about being friend-zoned. None of those images would sound appealing to me if I were a man trying to find my place in the world.

But I see behavior in women that makes me cringe when I hear it. "Girl, I don't see how you put up with silence? If he doesn't talk I make him." or "How could you let him run around like that don't you have control of your man?"

I run the emotional ball a lot around here, I often instigate emotional check-ins. I want more feedback voluntarily. I ask most of the questions and work out what they are feeling until I can repeat it and they say "Yep that sums it up." I have heard a lot of men say: I don't know how I feel about this. That's ok, we explore it.

Prof and Mad Science have their emotional hangups like anyone but getting them to communicate them beyond what appears pragmatic can be tricky. It isn't my job to make them do it but it is information that makes them whole people. Men are not sextoys or ATMs they are people with feelings, ideas, dreams, things that go way beyond the cardboard cutouts we often see as "manly behavior."

During the women's lib movement's beginnings, it was about being allowed to redefine what being a woman meant to the individual woman and changing the idea that a woman wasn't just a sperm catching, house keeping, baby machine that was owned by a man. Maybe it's time we give men credit as human beings and allow them the range of experience we have had to make happen.

They shouldn't be fighting us, dear feminists, they want what we want. A chance to discover and explore what it means to be human without all the restrictive roles that society has placed on them. This is about men redefining manliness for themselves and changing the socially acceptable norms.

The more we say, boys will be boys, or men should be this way, not that way, the more disservice we do them. So remember when you wave your flag think about ways you apply the stereotypes to the men around you. What assumptions about their intentions do you make? Are you automatically presuming them guilty of being anti-you? Must we criminalize every man based on those that behave badly?

The Orgasm Gap

Jump point: The Orgasm Gap: The Real Reason Women Get Off Less Often Than Men and How to Fix It by Lisa Wade

Ok, I won't dispute the facts that orgasm is more rare in women that men when we are talking about penile penetration. Lots of women don't orgasm this way. I rarely do. But to assert that it's totally social conditioning and that this somehow makes men the enemy here is bullshit, in my opinion. Also it is useful to remember that these are young people we are talking about. Even with the prevalence of porn and more useful education, sex and pleasure have a learning curve that requires maturity, self knowledge, and experimentation.

I won't deny that there is a segment of the population who is very focused on the man's orgasm, whether in an attempt to buy long term security in the relationship or because a woman doesn't feel she deserves to have them, but it is probably far from the norm and doesn't have to be that way.

Society has long said that women aren't as sexual, that once in a stable relationship sexual gratification seems to wane in favor of other types of enjoyment but not one of these things is universally true. Why would some cultures use women's vast sexual craving to justify genital mutilation? It does so more, out of the pain of having sex and the fear of being treated badly, abused, or even killed. I would say that would be motivation to become averse to sex. For that matter why would we mutilate men's genitals if it weren't at least hoped that it would curb their sexual cravings or improve their health? It does neither. 

There are so many factors to orgasm for me, most of them mental/emotional as well as physical. Am I distracted? Did I leave the stove on? Do I feel safe? Can this guy be trusted? Are my needs and desires are considered? Is this about him or us? Do I look stupid when I come? Is this sexual encounter moving too fast? Does this "yes" mean I want this to happen or am I meeting a need of his even though I am not interested? Are we in a longterm commitment? Honestly, if you want to go cultural on this issue I have to wonder how the expectation and desire for commitment affect the feelings of trust? 

Think about what a woman has to consider in order to have sex. Trust is huge. If I get pregnant will there be any help from this guy? Are we compatible enough to pull this off long term? If my needs aren't important here in bed, will they be any place else? 

The jump article puts us in danger of applying the competitive model to sex which should be in all ways cooperative. It's about pleasure, connection and the sacred experience it is. It's not fair to assume that most men don't care about a woman's pleasure, or that in having more experience a man should "know" what to do. As a person I must communicate what works for me even if that means changing direction en route. 

As for the one shot hook up, if women don't expect to orgasm why in the hell are they doing it? If we aren't getting what we need we must be creative, and communicative and actually talk about sex outside the act itself. Why aren't men having multiples? Is it because they are bodily incapable? I assure you, from my experience, that this is not true. Yet we rarely talk about this. What about men who just want to cuddle? Believe it or not they are out there. Men also need some foreplay, at least in the age group I have sex in. To just assume every man thinks about sex constantly is an injustice. Some do, but not all. Also to assume that every man orgasms with vaginal as first choice is also unfair. Some really do prefer oral, anal, or manual sex. 

Personally, I get what I need more often than not but it takes comfort with my partners, honesty in my communication, and experimentation sometimes, to find what works today. I have a choice to believe what I want and though I do still hold on to ideas about sex that don't serve me, I do choose to take responsibility for my pleasure.

Case by case and face to face.

Jump point: http://polyinthemedia.blogspot.com/2013/04/dont-use-mick-philpotts-case-as-stick.html

Ok, not everyone who practices non-monogamy is ethical. The publication of abuse cases, like the one sited in this article, demonizes a whole segment of the population. Just as the reputation of rapists demonizes ethical men, or obnoxious radical fundamentalists demonizes ethical religious people. They taint our willingness to examine each individual case without bias. When, are we as a society, going to realize that the complexity of human interaction can not and should not be generalized, boxed and sold to the public as the only property of a thing.

I can accept that there are abusive people in every form of relating, it is a property of being human, but I also know it is not the whole story. It's why I have chosen to try on so many types of living for myself so I would know, first hand. To automatically assume it is all the same, is a disservice to the thing you are discounting, based on one incident or worse, the loudest voice. For every dysfunctional monogamous relationship there are probably a great number that do work out well for its participants. For every crack pot radical there are thousands who feel that ethical stewardship of the planet doesn't include criminal behavior. Likewise, not every non-monogamous relationship is unethical in it's practice.

There is no real information to indicate that polygamy is subjugation of the independent identity of women involved, or that polyamory itself is not affirming for women. Certainly, just like in monogamy, there are domineering, abusive, self centered men and women but to say that all are good or bad, based on the childish narcissism of a few is ludicrous.

This man's practices reflect on him and those in thrall to him, not on the community as a whole. He paid a huge price for revenge, and had he seen his partners and their children as more than commodities, the cost might have been higher still. But in no way are his actions normal in the world of polyamory, they aren't even the norm for male centered polygamy. It isn't possible, there are too many variables for it to be true. Once we as a species stop boxing and generalizing we will be better off. Such limits on choices only makes us think less, experience the humanity of others less, and justifies all sorts of unethical behavior. If we devoted our time to seeing clearly case by case and face to face without baggage and judgement we would grow exponentially. Instead we choose the way of suffering, all because of the need to control the information we get as a means to maintain our own comfort and maintain the illusion of "rightness".