Ok. There is not really a jump point for today. I heard someone say something that harkened back to my mother and had to blog about it. The person said of a college aged child of theirs regarding sexual misconduct (to be clear, this was rape).
"You know how boys are. It was her fault for being too drunk at the party." This said by the Mother of the boy in question.
In my case it was..."Men are animals with insurmountable instincts we just let them do what they do and get on with our lives." My mother's words. She also told me "You are a woman you should know better." This creates an inherited social order where women are morally responsible for society, have to constantly protect themselves from harm, and see being female as a liability.
The "boys will be boys" tripe has excused violence against anyone different than the person committing such injustice for a really long time. If I were a man I would be angry that someone automatically assumed I had no self control. Or worse intentionally gave me liberty to be something so socially suicidal as being a creepy stalker with entitlement issues that I would, as an adult, have to work hard to change.
How exactly did moral onus become a "woman's job"? Knowing rationally, that I can no more control or change the behavior of another person any more than I can magically become 5'8" and 120 lbs overnight. How then, is it ok to excuse rape, violence, or any other douchebaggery solely on the basis of gender, or race for that matter?
This attitude that violence and rape are inevitable means no one is safe from the ravages of male privilege. It causes problems for those who do have self control. I know a man who fought for custody of his daughter and because he was male didn't get it on the grounds that a) no man would willingly want to raise a child, b) that there was an increased risk of sexual abuse in a situation where a single father was raising a daughter, and c) that said person, being male didn't have the required parental instincts to properly raise a child. All of which, in this case, were totally unfounded.
It is truly sad that over half of our population is in fear of violence just for being unlucky enough not to be male and/or white. I'm not really hating on white men, because there are many good ones who don't exhibit a need to control everyone around them as their right. I am saying those who beat their wives, stalk innocent women, engage in revenge porn, abuse children, and are irresponsible in general give the rest a bad name. When 1 in 6 girls is raped before they finish high school either there are more men out there that believe the lie of privilege or the few sure get around.
The media historically has been no help here. When everything comes down to a battle of us vs them. Venus against Mars, as though we are a different species entirely, then there is going to be a conquer or surrender dynamic in male-female relationships. It is a sad commentary on our society when I look at a man in my space and automatically assess the possibility of violence and form an escape route as part of my daily life. Men don't have to do this unless they are gay or trans but "apparently" they aren't "real" men and therefore free game too. What is equally sad is that women perpetuate this as much as men do. The two examples above are just the tip of the iceberg of things that women tell their daughters. If this nonsense is allowed to continue we may as well begin self defense training and arming girls as early as 3.
"Sorry, no ballet Susi, you have to go to Judo instead and then the gun range, because men are beasts." really?
Then there is the sense that our sex is a liability. Don't believe me? Check this out. A man fires a woman, not because she has agreed to sexual congress, or has tried to file sexual harassment but because he is attracted to her and it may cause him to damage his marriage. How about women on the front lines? We can't have women on the front lines because the necessary segregation because of hygiene is impractical in a war situation. So you don't mind peeing next to a man but the idea of a woman relieving herself or showering nearby makes your heart beat fast? Gays weren't allowed in the military until recently for a similar reason. As if every gay man is attracted to straight homophobic tough guys and will therefore rape someone out in the field. What? How about the debate on maternity leave or sick days around the stressful days of the menstrual cycle, or birth control as part of insurance, or daycare? What about sick days taken for children who need cared for at home? All issues mean women cost more to employ and therefore deserve less pay. These same detractors complain about welfare too, which they feel is dominantly collected by single moms. I read a comment on a blog about this recently that indicated that if women weren't so weak and lazy maybe they would get paid more. What?
The bottom line is if society marginalizes women and keeps them in survival mode they don't have time to exercise greater levels of excellence thus perpetuating the myths that we are weak and unequal to the task of being considered real human beings with rights. It is also true for minorities and LGBTQ folks. It's how privilege maintains its status.
Some people will point to women in power, of the women in political or business power, I wonder how many of them were privileged in some way. Liberal parents and/or rich parents? How many of those women had to endure harassment or paid by de-feminizing themselves in some way? Or worse, using their femininity in debasing and degrading ways to get ahead? My sister has worked in the auto business for 15 years and has struggled with discrimination. She is pretty and once was very feminine but has had to "butch up" to keep from being harassed and to be taken seriously in spite of the fact that she is very intelligent, good at her job and is more knowledgeable about cars than many men she works with.
When we can stop being trained to feel ashamed of our very gender, and stop fearing for our lives and safety, maybe we will summon the will to have enough voice to stop violence against women. When men begin to see this as a human problem maybe the ones who aren't asshole will stand up to those who are on our behalf and join the fight instead of remaining silent for fear of being put in the "pussy whipped" camp.
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