The Fallacy of Fair

Today's jump point is an excellent article on fairness by David Noble, The Fallacy of Fairness.

He brings up some interesting ideas about fairness and balance I would like to explore in my own relationships. We are in a V, of which, I am the hinge. This means that the distribution of my time must be split between three people, myself, Prof, and Mad Science.

Should things be equal? This usually means I need to spend equal time with both partners? At least that is the expectation. Supposedly, to offset or avoid jealous feelings on the part of one or more of the people involved. Here are a few reasons things will never be truly fair or equal in our relationships.

1. I have a partner that lives three hours away. How much time I spend with him is contingent on technology and money. (my car, my computer, time to talk on the phone or skype).

2. They work full time jobs which makes their time limited. Down shift time is super important and cuts into real relationship interaction stuff, like sex, meaningful conversation, or just connection.

3. Level of need and contribution fluctuate as individuals change and grow or cycle through their normal stuff. For example: Illness. One may be sick and need extra care. By necessity that leaves out the others in some way, or when I hit bottom in my manic depression cycle, I am more vulnerable and require some special care. Maybe Mad Science has an important function I need to be present for, say he won inventor of the year or something, then I would choose to support him in this one off deal instead of celebrating a birthday with my friends.

So how do we cope? Well, we recognize that if our preferred person can not meet a need we have it is ok to ask someone else to help with that. We are all on the same side not in competition. Not all need is need, sometimes it is want packaged as need. We recognize need for what it is and want for what it is. Not all desire can be met as we would like, that is acceptable. When we need or want we ask. The worst that can happen is the other will say "No, I can't right now. Is there another way we can do this? Or another time?"

Also let me say that the idea of fairness embodies the idea of entitlement. Somehow things are supposed to be fair, I am owed a certain amount of your time because you are committed to me in some way. It's more of a monogamous body ownership idea but we were all raised this way so it's bound to bleed through, even if we think we've got it handled. We also tend to equate time with love. Not always true. Certainly, it is supposed that if you love someone you want to spend a great deal of your time together but it doesn't mean you are required to or that it is somehow to be expected. I mean that it isn't a measure of veracity of feeling. I may not be in physical proximity with my lover more than once a month but that does not mean I love him less. Time may equal money but love doesn't equal time. Love is a limitless expression, time is more of a commodity that must be managed with intention and an eye to harmony in one's life. There have been many complaints from women who feel their husbands are married to their jobs instead of them. Mismanaged time. This is not because a man doesn't love his wife necessarily but because provision is a more important an act of love than connection for some men. That would be ok if women and men saw love and it's expression the same ways, often they don't. So fair doesn't really exist for us. I rarely harbor so great a resentment as to stomp my pretty little feet claiming it isn't fair. I look at what I want and need and try to think practically about how to resolve the issue with as much eye to the happiness and security of the guys as I can but fair/equal doesn't feature in as much as. Do they feel secure in the relationship? Do they feel loved? Do I give them space to chose happiness over resentment? Do my choices do the same for me?