I know it seems hard to believe that poly people have rules. First, the whole point of becoming poly for me was to love responsibly. Otherwise, I was miserable with the idea that I couldn't love more than one person on an intimate level without being referred to as "the slutty selfish cheater". Ok, I still get called that. However today's jump point is about "polynormativity" more specifically about how poly is presented as always beginning with a hetero couple who have all these rules and hierarchy about how everyone is supposed to behave and how everyone in poly is young and photogenic and they all sleep together.
The problem with polynormativity. This is long but well worth a look.
We started out with rules as a couple but we haven't been just a couple in a long time. We are a triad who is pretty much poly fi but not strictly so. It's hard for a decent guy to get a date much less an awesome poly guy. So that's the only reason there are really any limits. Do we have rules? Sure, but just the one really and it is for the protection of the health of everyone involved. Safe, sane, consensual, and courteous. Because no one wants to wake up at 4 in the morning with a gun to their head or in the ER because Belinda couldn't stand not getting to stay with Mona on her saturday just because it was Maria's birthday.
Whining drama aside, the whole point of polyamory, and it's flexibility, was to explore love as a fluid dynamic rather than a static one. So as we develop trust and self confidence and as we mature, naturally things should change. I think part of the reason poly fails is because the rules don't change or don't include everyone in the discussion.
There were a lot of rules. I had to know before sex. There had to be a meeting if we were welcoming a new person because of course every new person was going to be a long term partner and we had to all get along. I had to be allowed veto power on a new person. You see the problem? My insecurity. There were a lot of things like that in the beginning. I have since learned to trust.
Sometimes rules are like the training wheels for trust. That is why kids have rules to follow until they prove that they can be responsible. Once we see a person can be responsible and trusted then the rules relax.
But do we have to have them? I don't know, all things being equal and no baggage not so much. I am just not sure we are ever going to find someone to love that doesn't have some kind of baggage and can act like a responsible adult right off the bat in a new situation.
Hierarchy? Maybe we have a little of that based solely on the distance between spice but we have gone a long way to help Prof feel as comfortable as an equal partner as we can. We value his opinion and needs as much as we do our own. We've been together a long time the three of us. Mad Science has the odd encounter. Prof pines for his love interest. I sometimes dream we had a car mechanic in the family. But all that aside, it was a process. I had to overcome jealousy, ownership, mistrust etc., because my experience led me to believe that those things where what love was about. It isn't. I actually show less love if I am trying to control the behavior for others for my comfort. Watch out codependents poly may not be right for you. But by giving it a chance, it did work and continues to. Would I like to see some things different? Sure. It would be nice to have all of us in proximity but I realize the game isn't done yet and you never know what will happen on an idle Thursday.
As for the media thing: Media trolls what sells and making poly look hetero-normative and slightly less scary than the reality of infinite possibility in infinite combinations can be useful, of course, they have to go with what sells.
LGBTQ: We have a transgendered person in our circle who I like very much. She presents as female and I treat her as female. If she was to become involved intimately with anyone in the triad she would be welcome. We personally haven't had direct experience with that. There is a lot of opening up to happen and a lot of exploration and experience to be had but it will come in time. Until then we roll as best we can, as our skills and self awareness develop, sometimes rules are necessary, sometimes not so much. The skill of living or loving for that matter is in flexibility and willingness to grow. Some people don't like change, those people maybe shouldn't be poly unless they can learn.
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