Prof and I had been having "quiet time". I noticed he was distant, scattered. When we talked about it he admitted that he had the "new girl" on his mind. He had been wondering what it would be like with her. Naturally my first reaction was fear, and a few quiet tears. I tried very hard to hide this from him but did have to fess up.
It wasn't that I was ashamed of my feelings, on the contrary, I tend to be good about honoring them. I hid them because I didn't want to change his process of coping with his feelings in favor of mine. Honestly, thinking about her while he is with me doesn't surprise or alarm me. I know there is longing, tension and doubt between them. The unknown weighs heavily on the new. I get it.
I went through the same process myself. It was a matter of gently bringing myself back to focus on the person I was with and trying not to shame myself too much. Comparison is natural, not fair, not always comfortable, but coming from a duality system completely understandable.
I assured him that his thoughts and feelings are normal and part of the process. He was angry with himself for hurting my feelings. I reminded him that my feelings are my responsibility. I told him that I wouldn't ask for sex and relied on him to tell me when he was ready, I wanted to show willing and honor his processing space. I thanked him for his willingness to trust me with his feelings. I also realized that in talking to him it was really just an initial response and not my honest position on the matter. We are poly and I want him to experience all that means, as long as he is safe, sane and consensual about it. It was just a tiny knee jerk reaction. I have to admit to being a bit spoiled, since I've had him to myself for a number of years now. I am not now, feeling fearful of losing him, it has been a possibility all along.
I also have to let him get where he is going on this without trying to direct it for my benefit. But I am happy I faced my fear and he was able to see something of himself and share it with me. All in all a good weekend. Honesty, clear growth, and great connection what more can you hope for?
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