How bout a little history. We are a MFM poly triad. If you aren't familiar with polyamory or you only know that it's people having sex with more than one person then you are in for a surprise. Poly is about choices about experience and experiment. Frankly, our relationship is pretty vanilla all things considered. I've been with Mad Science for 15 years and the Prof for 9. At the moment we don't all live together but hope to in the future. I guess I should cover the bases. These are some of the questions I have had to answer about being polyamorous:
Does your husband know you are sleeping around? Yes, they know about each other and are friends. Mad Science is ecstatic that I have another person in my life who helps me experience happiness. The Prof feels privileged to share the experience. I am crazy happy and only want them to be happy too.
Do you all have sex together?
No, we don't have group sex. The boys are heterosexual and therefore sex is one on one. Me, and one of them.
Don't they get jealous?
Yes, sometimes jealous feelings come up but we do our best to take responsibility for our own feelings and deal with them honestly.
Why poly, isn't one man enough for you? The short answer is no. No one person can meet all of another person's needs. To expect it only leads to disappointment. Once I believed in the knight in shinning armor, happily ever after thing but it didn't work out so well. I was monogamous and the man du jour wasn't. So as an experiment I decided to go with polyamory and see if it was a good fit for me. So far, so good. It relieves me of the constant fear that I am not pretty enough, young enough, thin enough, etc. I am good enough to be loved no matter who loves me. I don't have one friend, or one role model or whatever no one thinks anything is at all weird about it unless you are having sex with more than one person.
Are they able to have sex with other people? Yes. As long as they follow the practical criteria of the relationship. Is this person safe, are they sane, and is this situation consensual.
It's safe when a person is adult enough to get where we are coming from and is willing to honor that. For example using a condom protects all of us.
It's sane if the person isn't compromised in some way for example in rebound recovering from another relationship or trying to leave one.
It's consensual when we are honest and transparent about what is going on. I wouldn't sleep with a married man if his wife didn't know we were talking about sleeping together and was ok with it. Or with someone who wasn't able to make a clear decision like when drunk.
Why write about being poly at all? Because I want people to know that poly is normal everyday life. An option. You still have to work and cook and clean and raise kids and pay bills we just have three of us to do that now instead of two.
Do you think that you are born poly? yes, I think that I was born with a proclivity towards it. I've always had an entourage even if I didn't sleep with them. Each person brings something different to the relationship. It makes the business of our lives run smoother when we play to our strengths, compliment each others weaknesses and cooperate rather than compete.
Is everyone basically poly? I don't know, I think some are and would benefit if they were honest enough to go with it since they have a tough time being monogamous. I think some people are too insecure or don't have the necessary communication skills to do it successfully. And some people are just plain monogamous and are happy to be that way, I say, more power to them.
How can you love more than one person like you love your husband or wife? Easy. I don't love one kid more than the other. You would be surprised how much love there is to share when you stop thinking of it as a finite commodity that you purchase with your body rights. The men in my life don't own me, I don't own them. Our relationships aren't transactional.
Certainly sometimes we make little deals with each other like if you take out the trash for me I will fold your laundry. But not at the level monogamy created for me. Then my husband at the time felt he had a right to tell me what to do with my time, having sex with him was my duty as a wife and my fidelity was required even though none of those rules applied to him. That is not to say there aren't egalitarian monogamous relationships where both sides respect the personhood and choices of the other but I hadn't found it until Mad Science came along.
Aren't you worried about your kids? No. Firstly, they are grown now. Secondly, they are aware of the situation and could care less. I don't live to please them just as they don't live to please me. That isn't being smug it's just the facts. I know what my kid's habits are in the romance department and I don't have a right to tell them they can't do it that way. As long as they are happy and they aren't harming anyone I don't worry about it and they give me the same freedom.
I think that should hold you till I post again. If you have questions post comments.
Till next time. gomugirl
Thanks for sharing about your life. I think many find this sort of lifestyle offspring because they equate it with cheating, but that is not the case. I believe marriage should be allowed between as many people as are willing to enter into the contract, because that's what civil marriage is.
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