Long Distance Relationship

I have said in my intro post that Prof and I have been in a long distance relationship for nine years. Many folks say that LDR doesn't work. I say I can see that. Our relationship has lasted, I think, because the urgency was dialed back at the beginning and has slowly increased over time.

The first few years we were pretty casual. I would come in the spring and we would hang out for a week and then talk and email the rest of the time. This was to give him some space to date other people because I wasn't what he thought he was looking for. He wanted to marry and have a family and that wasn't what I wanted. I was already married and was unable and unwilling to have any more children. I did give him a lot of space. If he said he was dating someone I was totally hands off until he gave me the green light. I am incredibly patient when I want to be.

After that I would come twice a year for a long visit and if he was down to see his folks he would pop by and see us. Soon, it became pretty apparent that what we wanted was changing.

In 2008 I introduced him to my sisters at Thanksgiving. Well, I had told them beforehand what was going on and we did do the intro on the down low to keep it low drama in front of the other relatives. As far as most everyone knew we were friends.

For a couple of years things grew in intensity until my mentors asked the question I dreaded. Is this relationship harming your growth or your marriage? I needed to be sure of the answer so I asked myself the question and we stopped being intimate and did very little communication for about 6 months. Additionally, my timing sucked, I told him right before our anniversary trip, boy was that dumb. It wasn't the year I had promised but it was enough for me to know that I was miserable without him in my life. We got back together and it took a little while for things to get back to normal. I had broken trust by giving him an ultimatum on a non negotiated decision. I have learned my lesson and we talk about every decision that affects him and our relationship. Last year we talked about spending more time together still and made a solid commitment to see each other for four days every month.

This year, very recently, in fact, we negotiated 1 week a month on his turf. Our desire eventually is to live in the same town and then maybe the same house. For now this isn't possible because they boys love their jobs so much and we have debt that needs cleared. We are making progress.

I guess, I make it sound easy enough, but there is always the possibility that it will fall apart because someone "falls out of love" or finds someone who won't share or something. I never believed this would be a permanent thing, I would like it to be, but people are unpredictable and love is best worn lightly, else you will strangle the life out of it. Most people can't consciously live under that sort of tension I am surprised we do it sometimes.

The two things that help us most are, that we know it will change, and that we negotiate and communicate often to change with it. I know there will always be a desire for comfort and conformity tugging at him and this life polyamorous is not always comfortable things sort of change as we go. But I love him enough to stick it out and see where it will go. It if turns out just to have been the sex all this time, I can live with that. If we live together in harmony for many more years, I can live with that too. If nothing else, I have had a great time and will have a good friend out of the deal.  LDR doesn't work? Maybe but how permanent is any relationship really?