The Orgasm Gap

Jump point: The Orgasm Gap: The Real Reason Women Get Off Less Often Than Men and How to Fix It by Lisa Wade

Ok, I won't dispute the facts that orgasm is more rare in women that men when we are talking about penile penetration. Lots of women don't orgasm this way. I rarely do. But to assert that it's totally social conditioning and that this somehow makes men the enemy here is bullshit, in my opinion. Also it is useful to remember that these are young people we are talking about. Even with the prevalence of porn and more useful education, sex and pleasure have a learning curve that requires maturity, self knowledge, and experimentation.

I won't deny that there is a segment of the population who is very focused on the man's orgasm, whether in an attempt to buy long term security in the relationship or because a woman doesn't feel she deserves to have them, but it is probably far from the norm and doesn't have to be that way.

Society has long said that women aren't as sexual, that once in a stable relationship sexual gratification seems to wane in favor of other types of enjoyment but not one of these things is universally true. Why would some cultures use women's vast sexual craving to justify genital mutilation? It does so more, out of the pain of having sex and the fear of being treated badly, abused, or even killed. I would say that would be motivation to become averse to sex. For that matter why would we mutilate men's genitals if it weren't at least hoped that it would curb their sexual cravings or improve their health? It does neither. 

There are so many factors to orgasm for me, most of them mental/emotional as well as physical. Am I distracted? Did I leave the stove on? Do I feel safe? Can this guy be trusted? Are my needs and desires are considered? Is this about him or us? Do I look stupid when I come? Is this sexual encounter moving too fast? Does this "yes" mean I want this to happen or am I meeting a need of his even though I am not interested? Are we in a longterm commitment? Honestly, if you want to go cultural on this issue I have to wonder how the expectation and desire for commitment affect the feelings of trust? 

Think about what a woman has to consider in order to have sex. Trust is huge. If I get pregnant will there be any help from this guy? Are we compatible enough to pull this off long term? If my needs aren't important here in bed, will they be any place else? 

The jump article puts us in danger of applying the competitive model to sex which should be in all ways cooperative. It's about pleasure, connection and the sacred experience it is. It's not fair to assume that most men don't care about a woman's pleasure, or that in having more experience a man should "know" what to do. As a person I must communicate what works for me even if that means changing direction en route. 

As for the one shot hook up, if women don't expect to orgasm why in the hell are they doing it? If we aren't getting what we need we must be creative, and communicative and actually talk about sex outside the act itself. Why aren't men having multiples? Is it because they are bodily incapable? I assure you, from my experience, that this is not true. Yet we rarely talk about this. What about men who just want to cuddle? Believe it or not they are out there. Men also need some foreplay, at least in the age group I have sex in. To just assume every man thinks about sex constantly is an injustice. Some do, but not all. Also to assume that every man orgasms with vaginal as first choice is also unfair. Some really do prefer oral, anal, or manual sex. 

Personally, I get what I need more often than not but it takes comfort with my partners, honesty in my communication, and experimentation sometimes, to find what works today. I have a choice to believe what I want and though I do still hold on to ideas about sex that don't serve me, I do choose to take responsibility for my pleasure.