Goodbye revisited

     You remember a few posts ago, I talked about the goodbye game. I always say, that someday the pain will be too great not to act on it.

     We had family meeting this week about me spending more time with Prof. Mad Science, Prof and I Face-Timed and determined that one week a month I would spend away. We talked about what each person needed in the situation. We found creative ways to meet those needs and now it is set. Simple as that. Mad Science and Prof were very supportive of the idea. They refer to each other as co-husbands anyway and now we are talking joint custody. I feel like a timeshare. Only kidding, I am happy to do this and have been looking forward to it for some time. This looks like a fun experiment. I'll keep you posted.

Fantastic it's Freakin Friday

Well, around here Friday means game day. We get together with our geek friends and play table top Pathfinder, go Paizo. This week our journey continues on the path to the Temple of Elemental Evil adapted for PF.

believe it or not a divider screen made of paper and ribbon

In other news I promised that my next post was going to be more of my office remix. So here are a couple of pics. This one is my divider screen. I looked everywhere for one I liked and couldn't find anything as sassy as the rest of the room. So scrapbook paper and drawing tools in hand I went with the same abstract flower shape I had used for the chargers. punched some holes and tied in ribbon. They are hung from the ceiling by cup hooks and large colored paperclips. It doesn't get any simpler. Next time I redo this room I may do it in red white and black and use the same concept for some layered geometric shapes.

This is the painting on the wall where my sewing table lives. same shape and a little creative vine work and viola. 

The desk Mad Science built and a chair we found at an antique mall for a song painted up pretty. In this picture you can't tell but the horizontal pink edging on the desk is ribbon.

This is the shelf above my desk. The koi is needle art by Mad Science's awesome mom. The whole room cost less than $100 to redecorate. Back to poly life next post. Have a great weekend everybody.

From two to three: advice on opening up from an HBB

From two to three: advice on opening up from an HBB

An interesting Article from Minx about do's and don'ts when adding a partner to partnered non-monogamy.

More poly info for the curious

It occurs to me that I have only really talked about my experience as a person living the life poly-amourous. I thought you might like more links to the vast geometry possible and some of the solutions to challenges other polyfolk face that we do not.

What like two girlfriends was one of the first poly sites I ran into when trying to explain what I was feeling to Prof.
http://www.xeromag.com/fvpoly.html 

The polyamory society is a great site and it has a special button for what to do if a friend or family member chooses polyamory.
http://www.polyamorysociety.org/

Loving more is one of the pioneering sites run by people who began the long journey to awareness and connection with like minded folk. Crammed full of resources and news and events in the poly community.
http://www.lovemore.com/

There are many many more and podcasts besides. We're everywhere!

I can't leave out poly weekly. Minx does a great podcast about responsible sexuality and stuff. http://polyweekly.com/

Achieving Normality

It's Monday. Prof left for his home today and I was not looking forward to the goodbye. It's often like this, I don't want to leave our pink bubble space. Prof doesn't want to leave but has to get back for work. We have the conversation about being more careful about bubble time and try more for normal behavior. We talk about being with each other more frequently. We talk about living together or at least in the same town. I point out that our arrangement has worked for him for nine years and that I can see why changing would be hard for him. He says he feels like a selfish bastard for not wanting to leave his comfort zone. It's always the same. This time was less rational on my part and I suggested that if he couldn't take watching me cry maybe we should break up. Of course, he says that he won't give me up. We play the goodbye game.

I watch funny videos and do stuff around the house for a few hours and it usually gets better. By the time he is home I feel better. It seems normal to look at him on my computer monitor, it is comforting. I miss him but it hurts less.

I got to give props to Mad Science. Knowing Prof was coming he arranged for much of Saturday to be elsewhere. And was very supportive this evening with the aftermath of bubble time. We talked and had dinner and intend to have some bubble time of our own. Tomorrow, it's back to laundry and groceries and normal life again but the transition day is always hard. Long distance relationships are never easy. I often curse myself for falling in love with someone so far away. But at least he is in-state which is better than Canada. ;)

This video made me laugh today, it might also amuse you.

Jealousy and Process pt 1

Jealousy is an issue sometimes. I had a twinge this weekend.

Prof and I had been having "quiet time". I noticed he was distant, scattered. When we talked about it he admitted that he had the "new girl" on his mind. He had been wondering what it would be like with her. Naturally my first reaction was fear, and a few quiet tears. I tried very hard to hide this from him but did have to fess up.

It wasn't that I was ashamed of my feelings, on the contrary, I tend to be good about honoring them. I hid them because I didn't want to change his process of coping with his feelings in favor of mine. Honestly, thinking about her while he is with me doesn't surprise or alarm me. I know there is longing, tension and doubt between them. The unknown weighs heavily on the new. I get it. 

I went through the same process myself. It was a matter of gently bringing myself back to focus on the person I was with and trying not to shame myself too much. Comparison is natural, not fair, not always comfortable, but coming from a duality system completely understandable.

I assured him that his thoughts and feelings are normal and part of the process. He was angry with himself for hurting my feelings. I reminded him that my feelings are my responsibility. I told him that I wouldn't ask for sex and relied on him to tell me when he was ready, I wanted to show willing and honor his processing space. I thanked him for his willingness to trust me with his feelings. I also realized that in talking to him it was really just an initial response and not my honest position on the matter. We are poly and I want him to experience all that means, as long as he is safe, sane and consensual about it. It was just a tiny knee jerk reaction. I have to admit to being a bit spoiled, since I've had him to myself for a number of years now. I am not now, feeling fearful of losing him, it has been a possibility all along. 

I also have to let him get where he is going on this without trying to direct it for my benefit. But I am happy I faced my fear and he was able to see something of himself and share it with me. All in all a good weekend. Honesty, clear growth, and great connection what more can you hope for?

Have we outgrown marriage?

I know, I said I wouldn't post again till Monday, but I was reading an article in Shine, this morning. Here is the link.

So the thing is she asks is marriage obsolete. Her selling point being, that it was tantamount to prostitution, it was a woman's retirement plan when she had no other way to make her living. Since we have other ways to make a living it should no longer be necessary as an institution.

As strange as this may sound from a non traditionalist, I am for marriage in general. Why? Money. We have, heterosexuals anyway, 1100 to 1400 civilly recognized rights as married people. The majority of which are financial in nature. For example: Tax benefits, the ability to file a joint return, social security benefits and freedom from paying taxes on estate taxes and gift taxes on property left to you by your spouse. Military benefits of the spouse, insurance coverage from your spouses work, family rates for insurance, tuition discounts, incentives offered only to married couples.

There are other things non monetary that we gain as well. Receiving joint custody in a divorce. Living in neighborhoods zoned for "families only". The ability to be in ICU in restricted hours if your spouse is in the hospital. Foster care and adoption rights. The ability to make the burial arrangements, bereavement leave. And tons of other things at the federal and state level. Things married people seem to take for granted.

Not too long ago my brother was in the hospital and his girlfriend of many years had to call me (next of kin) to make any legal decisions should it come to that.

So to say that marriage as a civil contract with legally recognized benefits is obsolete is maybe stretching things a bit. Civil unions, domestic partnerships and same sex marriages don't have near so many of these important rights which we take for granted.

Not to mention that if there weren't some real desirable benefits to being legally married according to the law why would our LGBT population be fighting so hard for them.

But marriage is still a much more complicated issue than money and who gets to see the kids. We also believe that love is essential to marriage not just in it's philosophical sense either. Men often marry for the comforts that arrangement provides. Let's face it there are many things a working man no longer feels he has to do that he did while single. Dinner, laundry, picking up. This is not to say that all men feel this way but it is still considered high on the list of desirable perks. Regular sex with a partner you can safely assume is faithful. Not always the case but there still lingers the ownership of body rights about monogamous marriage. As a married person I might feel that as I have papers on someone, I have first right to their time and attention, and everyone must stand in line behind me. I know that sounds blunt, but I know a lot of men and women that feel this way, sometimes to the exclusion of family, kids, friends, hobbies and personal time.
So is marriage dead? I think not. Does it need to evolve with the times, I say yes. What do you think about marriage?