I am trying to stop making excuses beyond yes and no. You know what I mean when someone says: "Why didn't you call me?" or "Can you come to this event?"
It's always "No, because X." "I was going to but.... Why isn't it good enough to just say yes, or no. Sometimes the "good reason" is because time alone was more important than time together. That should be ok. Why isn't it?
"Because it was something I thought I wanted to do or didn't want to do." should be enough when probed. I shouldn't have to lay out some laundry list of lame acceptable items. I was too sick, too tired, too broke. I also shouldn't have to go into why I don't like to hang out with some people some times or in some situations. Those reasons are my business and not open for discussion until I am in a better state of mind.
I wonder if this is primarily a girl problem, part of the programing. We must have excuses so we sound more busy than we are, or apologetic and sensitive perhaps, I'm not at all sure I sound any better making excuses. Their feelings aren't my business if the delivery is done with kindness I've done what I could for me and them.
What do you say? Can you take a simple yes or no without asking why?
Friday, November 23, 2012
Thursday, November 22, 2012
A little thank you goes a long way.
As it's thanksgiving here in the States I thought I would talk a little about thank you in our poly pond. Thank you is more than just a thing you say when you get what you want. It isn't an auto response when getting your way. A real honest thank you is a moment of appreciation of another person for something they have done. I can clean house for myself all day but it makes the job easier if Mad Sci or Prof say they appreciate it whether it's directly said or that grateful sigh of comfort when they come into a clean space.
Gratitude is also active at my house. Mad Sci shows it by building stuff or doing a load of laundry or dishes. I show it by getting up a little early and fixing him some cocoa or breakfast. I may make a special effort text little love notes during the day. In daily life it's so easy to tell instead of ask and to acknowledge rather than thank. A tiny thing that makes a huge impact. So the next time you see someone do something nice, even if it's not for you, thank them.
I must go to my source families house and thank them by eating the lovely food they have worked so hard to prepare. Happy Thanksgiving everyone.
Gratitude is also active at my house. Mad Sci shows it by building stuff or doing a load of laundry or dishes. I show it by getting up a little early and fixing him some cocoa or breakfast. I may make a special effort text little love notes during the day. In daily life it's so easy to tell instead of ask and to acknowledge rather than thank. A tiny thing that makes a huge impact. So the next time you see someone do something nice, even if it's not for you, thank them.
I must go to my source families house and thank them by eating the lovely food they have worked so hard to prepare. Happy Thanksgiving everyone.
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Tease vs Slut
Redhead Bedhead had a great video about the Psychology of Slut on her site. http://www.redheadbedhead.com/thoughts-on-the-psychology-of-slut/
You can check out her article and the video at the link above. I just want to add my two cents here.
The problem with slut shaming is it's about control. Just another way to put women and girls in small boxes to keep us predictable and knowable. If a man enjoys a healthy active sex life he is celebrated as a stud. The problem is slut shaming does have some impact on us. What happens is we feel we have to hide our needs, enjoyment, and control of our sexual lives. We in essence become the public service for slutty men, the container for a man's needs, which is where good married girls have lived historically and that's abuse by the way. Way to share your suffering girls! If you don't chose to speak up for your needs, say no when you mean no, tease but don't deliver, have sex when you don't want to, never initiate, and don't care for your contraceptive and disease control needs you are as much a slave to desire as you claim we are. The problem is, you don't enjoy it.
Another problem with the label is it supports some strange idea that if we like sex as women, we will and do sleep with any and all comers, that's not true. It is also assumed we all have low self esteem for some reason or were sexually abused as children. I will admit it does happen and I myself have been there but it isn't always the case. And being slutty does not mean being raped is deserved. Rape is forced subjugation not sex. Real men can control themselves because they live from a place of personal power rather than having to steal it from women.
Why is it that women are supposed to be the moral center of the universe or the greatest evil ever? Why are there no shades of gray? We are human and to be worshiped (vilification is sometimes a jealous reluctant worship) at either extreme is exhausting and not realistic to our needs. We are either your fuck buddy or your mother. Why can't I be a pie baking, house keeping, condom toting hottie with soccer practice pick up in an hour so lets get moving? And just who are all these studs sleeping with? Women who want to have sex and are confident in their desire and actually enjoy and engage.
It's time women were all on the same side again. Sex is good. Science has proven it's many mental and physical health benefits. Done properly sex can be a spiritual experience. Not if you are laying there thinking "I wish he would hurry up." They take what they can get because we let them but if we asked for what we wanted, and began to enjoy sex more I bet men would enjoy it more too. Sex is the most intimate way to engage with another person why not be really present. So teases of the world, the moral standard, please remember next time your sexual needs go unmet think of me. I get it, I enjoy it, and I don't feel a bit guilty.
You can check out her article and the video at the link above. I just want to add my two cents here.
The problem with slut shaming is it's about control. Just another way to put women and girls in small boxes to keep us predictable and knowable. If a man enjoys a healthy active sex life he is celebrated as a stud. The problem is slut shaming does have some impact on us. What happens is we feel we have to hide our needs, enjoyment, and control of our sexual lives. We in essence become the public service for slutty men, the container for a man's needs, which is where good married girls have lived historically and that's abuse by the way. Way to share your suffering girls! If you don't chose to speak up for your needs, say no when you mean no, tease but don't deliver, have sex when you don't want to, never initiate, and don't care for your contraceptive and disease control needs you are as much a slave to desire as you claim we are. The problem is, you don't enjoy it.
Another problem with the label is it supports some strange idea that if we like sex as women, we will and do sleep with any and all comers, that's not true. It is also assumed we all have low self esteem for some reason or were sexually abused as children. I will admit it does happen and I myself have been there but it isn't always the case. And being slutty does not mean being raped is deserved. Rape is forced subjugation not sex. Real men can control themselves because they live from a place of personal power rather than having to steal it from women.
Why is it that women are supposed to be the moral center of the universe or the greatest evil ever? Why are there no shades of gray? We are human and to be worshiped (vilification is sometimes a jealous reluctant worship) at either extreme is exhausting and not realistic to our needs. We are either your fuck buddy or your mother. Why can't I be a pie baking, house keeping, condom toting hottie with soccer practice pick up in an hour so lets get moving? And just who are all these studs sleeping with? Women who want to have sex and are confident in their desire and actually enjoy and engage.
It's time women were all on the same side again. Sex is good. Science has proven it's many mental and physical health benefits. Done properly sex can be a spiritual experience. Not if you are laying there thinking "I wish he would hurry up." They take what they can get because we let them but if we asked for what we wanted, and began to enjoy sex more I bet men would enjoy it more too. Sex is the most intimate way to engage with another person why not be really present. So teases of the world, the moral standard, please remember next time your sexual needs go unmet think of me. I get it, I enjoy it, and I don't feel a bit guilty.
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Is monogamy mandatory?
Ok this morning a post on facebook caught my attention. Madatory Monogamy
Doesn't Work Either?
I think the title is maybe not a match for the content but Jasmine does posit an interesting theory in it's title. Is our society really still about monogamy as the only viable choice?
I think, in a lot of ways the "marriage = one man+ one woman" movement is trying to remind us that it is
I do see a lot of LGBTQ folks offended by poly. I had a gay friend say poly was trying to socially 'one up' LGBTQ and take away their right to be equal in society by distracting from the issue. He seemed to think that their way was more right because it was monogamous.
So is the two partner system the most right, and therefore, the only way? Well, if you are asking me the answer would be no. But I do think that society at large will be a long time coming around to this one.
For the moment heterosexual monogamy IS mandatory if you want the 1400 legal rights bestowed on heterosexual taxpayers. Those are privileges, legal recourse for spouses, that they haven't always had, to protect mothers, fathers and children from the less than honest among us. NOT a god given mandate.
That is part of what the fighting is about with LGBTQ and polyamory. That somehow loving committed relationships should all be treated equally in the eyes of the civil law. That difference in orientation should be protected by the civil system to prevent injustice, abuse, and violences current elitists seem to think they can engage in with impunity. Everyone has the right to love. Not everyone has the right to enjoy the privileges of financial and social benefit of marriage. Should that be limited to monogamy of any stripe?
It does come down to morals, but historically what is moral is subjective and it is about what is agreed to for the sake of peace. There was a time when women could not get adequate medical care because they were expendables, property. A time when a man could divorce a woman because she was barren. A time when children could be forced to work off their parents debts. The danger of closing the pandora's box of bestowing blessings on women and children and people of different colors, creeds, abilities and orientations is that we will go back to, injustice for all but the richest. Those would be dark days my friends. Should it be mandatory to be monogamous to get the basic human privileges of security and safety? I say no.
Mandatory monogamy doesn't work for everyone. Just as trying to force people to be same sex oriented or polyamorous would not work. Awareness is what saves us from the frightening unknown. A thing we look to science to support. Diversity in life is what makes it so wonderful and as science speaks on these subjects all but the most crippled will look back and wonder what all the fighting was about.
Doesn't Work Either?
I think the title is maybe not a match for the content but Jasmine does posit an interesting theory in it's title. Is our society really still about monogamy as the only viable choice?
I think, in a lot of ways the "marriage = one man+ one woman" movement is trying to remind us that it is
I do see a lot of LGBTQ folks offended by poly. I had a gay friend say poly was trying to socially 'one up' LGBTQ and take away their right to be equal in society by distracting from the issue. He seemed to think that their way was more right because it was monogamous.
So is the two partner system the most right, and therefore, the only way? Well, if you are asking me the answer would be no. But I do think that society at large will be a long time coming around to this one.
For the moment heterosexual monogamy IS mandatory if you want the 1400 legal rights bestowed on heterosexual taxpayers. Those are privileges, legal recourse for spouses, that they haven't always had, to protect mothers, fathers and children from the less than honest among us. NOT a god given mandate.
That is part of what the fighting is about with LGBTQ and polyamory. That somehow loving committed relationships should all be treated equally in the eyes of the civil law. That difference in orientation should be protected by the civil system to prevent injustice, abuse, and violences current elitists seem to think they can engage in with impunity. Everyone has the right to love. Not everyone has the right to enjoy the privileges of financial and social benefit of marriage. Should that be limited to monogamy of any stripe?
It does come down to morals, but historically what is moral is subjective and it is about what is agreed to for the sake of peace. There was a time when women could not get adequate medical care because they were expendables, property. A time when a man could divorce a woman because she was barren. A time when children could be forced to work off their parents debts. The danger of closing the pandora's box of bestowing blessings on women and children and people of different colors, creeds, abilities and orientations is that we will go back to, injustice for all but the richest. Those would be dark days my friends. Should it be mandatory to be monogamous to get the basic human privileges of security and safety? I say no.
Mandatory monogamy doesn't work for everyone. Just as trying to force people to be same sex oriented or polyamorous would not work. Awareness is what saves us from the frightening unknown. A thing we look to science to support. Diversity in life is what makes it so wonderful and as science speaks on these subjects all but the most crippled will look back and wonder what all the fighting was about.
Saturday, November 17, 2012
In Sickness and in Health
I know in this digital age it seems silly to not blog for a week but I've been battling a cold this week and haven't felt like typing. Xbox yes, typing, not so much. But being sick is a great subject for a blog in the poly life so, here goes.
Remember those days when your aunt or grandma would come stay with you to help your mom out when she was pregnant or sick? No? It maybe happens more in southern families who are matriarchal. But I grew up believing that is what family did, they lent each other a hand when they were down. When we marry we still hear "in sickness and in health". It's one of those things we all feel comforted by, knowing we are important enough to be cared for when we feel like crap.
Over the last couple of weeks Prof has been battling a high fever. I have not been able to get to him to comfort him. The thing is I know realistically there is nothing I can do to solve the problem and I know he is a man and can take care of himself. (Alright girls no laughing.) I do know that my company would cheer him and a little happiness and laughter go a long way toward getting better. This was hard long distance for me because I was afraid to call for fear of catching him napping, which he needs, but I know he wanted to hear my voice. He called and said so. And apparently not even his local friends looked in on him. Either they were too busy or too afraid of catching something they didn't have sick days for.
The Engineer drove a long way with her husband's permission to look in on him for me which I very much appreciated. Stupid car. I can't wait till we have enough saved up to buy a decent car so I can travel when needed again. As yet we still don't really even know what is wrong with him, he's had a number of diagnosis, a couple runs of antibiotics but still they are guessing. Here's hoping he feels better soon. If you are reading send your happy thoughts and/or nice prayers his way.
Remember those days when your aunt or grandma would come stay with you to help your mom out when she was pregnant or sick? No? It maybe happens more in southern families who are matriarchal. But I grew up believing that is what family did, they lent each other a hand when they were down. When we marry we still hear "in sickness and in health". It's one of those things we all feel comforted by, knowing we are important enough to be cared for when we feel like crap.
Over the last couple of weeks Prof has been battling a high fever. I have not been able to get to him to comfort him. The thing is I know realistically there is nothing I can do to solve the problem and I know he is a man and can take care of himself. (Alright girls no laughing.) I do know that my company would cheer him and a little happiness and laughter go a long way toward getting better. This was hard long distance for me because I was afraid to call for fear of catching him napping, which he needs, but I know he wanted to hear my voice. He called and said so. And apparently not even his local friends looked in on him. Either they were too busy or too afraid of catching something they didn't have sick days for.
The Engineer drove a long way with her husband's permission to look in on him for me which I very much appreciated. Stupid car. I can't wait till we have enough saved up to buy a decent car so I can travel when needed again. As yet we still don't really even know what is wrong with him, he's had a number of diagnosis, a couple runs of antibiotics but still they are guessing. Here's hoping he feels better soon. If you are reading send your happy thoughts and/or nice prayers his way.
Friday, November 9, 2012
Happiness in a burning building: How to date the doomed?
I listened to Minx's Polyweekly podcast this week about how to date someone in a doomed long term relationship check it out. http://polyweekly.com/2012/10/pw-339-dating-someone-in-a-doomed-relationship/
We currently have this issue in the FOC. Mad Science, Prof and I are fine, don't worry, but Prof is interested in someone whose "relationshop" is going bankrupt and about to downsize, maybe. So this is what he is doing:
Being a supportive friend. Allowing her time to make her decisions. Making them cheat proof by limiting alone time. And if it does go pear shaped he is prepared to follow the sanity rule. Wait, until she is again sane and allow her to make a decision based on post grief, rather than rushing into another relationship to avoid it.
The one thing our set up supports is NOT being homewreckers. We don't play unless everyone knows and is cool. There are plenty of people in the pond and so there is no sense in taking someone's traditional family life and screwing it up. This doesn't happen alone of course but to be the fuel for someone else's leaving with some vague promise of a better relationship isn't really fair.
But there is a better question here. If they aren't having sex is it still a poly relationship?
I love many people and have relationships with many people I don't have sex with. 3D Dino and I have a mutually beneficial relationship that is mostly intellectual. Would we have sex if the circumstances were different? Possibly, but I do love him. I find him mentally stimulating and enjoy talking to him, debating with him and being probed by him in a mental way. He makes me ask questions I might otherwise miss myself. I like that it adds value to my life.
Griffin and I have discussed sex and though the thought is delightful I prefer her to remain my best friend. Do I love her? Yes. Is she part of my FOC? Yes. Poly isn't just about sex. It's about having the ability to love more intimately with more people. To us the most intimate thing you can do is listen, accept, and be supportive. You can fuck anyone without feelings or commitment but real love is about mutual respect, interest, and consideration for another person. So is he in a poly relationship with the Engineer? I think so, because he does all those things for her. Are they happy in this burning building? To some extent because there is comfort and satisfaction of mutual support and respect. Will it stay this way? He isn't holding his breath for her to leave her hubby but no situation is static, who knows what it will become.
We currently have this issue in the FOC. Mad Science, Prof and I are fine, don't worry, but Prof is interested in someone whose "relationshop" is going bankrupt and about to downsize, maybe. So this is what he is doing:
Being a supportive friend. Allowing her time to make her decisions. Making them cheat proof by limiting alone time. And if it does go pear shaped he is prepared to follow the sanity rule. Wait, until she is again sane and allow her to make a decision based on post grief, rather than rushing into another relationship to avoid it.
The one thing our set up supports is NOT being homewreckers. We don't play unless everyone knows and is cool. There are plenty of people in the pond and so there is no sense in taking someone's traditional family life and screwing it up. This doesn't happen alone of course but to be the fuel for someone else's leaving with some vague promise of a better relationship isn't really fair.
But there is a better question here. If they aren't having sex is it still a poly relationship?
I love many people and have relationships with many people I don't have sex with. 3D Dino and I have a mutually beneficial relationship that is mostly intellectual. Would we have sex if the circumstances were different? Possibly, but I do love him. I find him mentally stimulating and enjoy talking to him, debating with him and being probed by him in a mental way. He makes me ask questions I might otherwise miss myself. I like that it adds value to my life.
Griffin and I have discussed sex and though the thought is delightful I prefer her to remain my best friend. Do I love her? Yes. Is she part of my FOC? Yes. Poly isn't just about sex. It's about having the ability to love more intimately with more people. To us the most intimate thing you can do is listen, accept, and be supportive. You can fuck anyone without feelings or commitment but real love is about mutual respect, interest, and consideration for another person. So is he in a poly relationship with the Engineer? I think so, because he does all those things for her. Are they happy in this burning building? To some extent because there is comfort and satisfaction of mutual support and respect. Will it stay this way? He isn't holding his breath for her to leave her hubby but no situation is static, who knows what it will become.
Blame Canada?
I was reading one of my favorite blogs poly percolations poly in the news when I saw this brightly colored poster. If you will link in and read the article you will see that it is about the safe spaces project in some Canadian schools. I won't really talk much about that, more about the backlash so, go, read the article and come back. I'll be here....
Ok, so my first let me say; "Go Canada!" for presenting positive relationship styles imagery. Second, what the crap is up with people? Do they not know this is going on? I mean poly and LGBTQ are here and have been throughout history why are you getting so bent out of shape about it. Apparently, it's not ok for kids to know that there are lots of different types of family structures.
If we defined family as a micro-political structure for the nurturing, protection, and provision for all family members which aids personal growth for productive citizenship in the society in which it lives and for the transmitting of useful values and mores. We would be a lot better off.
Oh, our kids can't know about poly and LGBTQ because they might think that it is ok to roll with your natural feelings. I posit this is because parents don't really talk with kids about these issues and don't really want to, so if we can make society's imagery match our values we don't have to worry so much. It's not going to happen. As long as there is a stigma, often supported by religion, to having gay, lesbian, bi, transgender, queer or poly kids there will be this sort of backlash.
Gone are the days of tightly closeted lives to maintain the lie that there is only one way to live happily and functionally. Look, if you want to protect kids there must be awareness that all of us have things we like and things we don't like and it's ok to be different. If you don't know ask, if you are confused by your feelings talk to someone who gets it. As long as having LGBTQ or poly kids frightens the crap out of parents this sort of stuff will keep being an issue. You can't legislate morality it must be lived and we now live in a global community in which tolerance is more useful than tight protection of intimate values that actively take away the rights of others.
We have already proved that what kids see is important in developing their values. At least in America we see so much violence in our media and it has become the go to solution for more people. School shootings, public violence, and rape are all on the rise, why? Because we are powerless and violence makes us feel more powerful. Why are we powerless? Because it isn't ok to be who we are. Wouldn't it make more sense to focus on, and thereby expand what is more useful?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)